f a i t h // h o p e // l o v e

2010-02-24T22:26:00.002+08:00

moved!

cos honestly, this place is becoming a little too public for my liking.
when the new place is up, i'll let you know the url (if i am comfortable with you reading it) in about a week if I do manage to get the new blog up by then. i usually like to keep the number of ppl who know the url to a bare minimum so don't be offended if i don't tell you the url. besides, you're not going to miss out on a lot anyway. my blog entries are just random ramblings about my thoughts on life. nothing interesting :p

dear blog, you have served me well for the past 4 years. but it's finally time to come to an end. thank you for seeing me through some of the highest highs and lowest lows of my life in the past 4 years. but for now, i guess this is goodbye.

2010-02-17T00:49:00.002+08:00

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.
-from Shakespeare's sonnet 113

summer has been a real blast... but time passes far too quickly for my liking! :( already, summer is coming to an end! it's almost as if it never was. there are so many things and people i'm going to miss in the next few months! but i won't deny that i'm also feeling excited about the days that lie ahead. :)

2010-02-08T00:52:00.003+08:00

the past few days have been hectic but really fun as well.
last monday was 'farewell singapore'. it was a really fun day out at sentosa. haha my cheeks got sunburnt so i had a permanent blush for the next few days lol.
then tues was shopping with sm! haha and nobody, i guarantee, shops harder than sm :D haha we visited all 3 new malls (central, ion, and 313) in one afternoon. and that was after we had an amazing lunch at dempsey. haha my feet were aching so much but then shopping is always therapeutic in its own strange way. it's a girl thing. and chocolates from denmark were fantastic <3
then wed was supper!
and friday was kbox with gek. and we went to fareast plaza for dinner and a long overdue h2h.

i promise a more coherent post when i am feeling less distracted. sister's duty calls. gotta go watch the chelsea fb match with my bro. and try to sneak another episode of gossip girl when my brother's not looking haha.

2010-02-02T01:00:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yohd6ULPFGo
(okay embedding has been disabled, but whatever! this is such a sad scene D: you have no idea how much i cried watching this)
omggggg

because i love her. i can't make her happy. D: D: D: D:

ahhhhhhhhh D: i can't believe i'm only finishing season 2 of gossip girl now. i know... i am lagging behind by one entire season.

am now sunburnt, :D thanks to an awesome day out at sentosa... was supposed to get some much needed shut-eye when i reached home but okay. the idea of having less than 3 weeks of hols in Sg left and still so many things i wanted to finish watching was rather threatening. but omgggg. i am a masochist. i kept rewinding the video and crying over that same scene.

okay. time to sleep.

calendar girl

2010-01-28T20:14:00.002+08:00

met up with yj on monday and got updated with all that's happened in her life. what can i say, girl? all i have is my heartfelt wish that this time, you will find the happiness you so rightfully deserve :) and no, i'm not going to tell you no, or that your decision was wrong. cos afterall, if it makes you happy, then i'm going to support you one hundred percent. and now that you've chosen the path to happiness, don't let doubt or fear get in the way. Be happy, stay happy, and know that you deserve this happiness. i love you, dear :)

haha in other news, i am actually starting to feel the time left in my summer vac slipping away rather quickly. the pages keep turning, and i'll mark off each day with a cross... i'm not sad to leave though. there aren't any regrets for choosing this path in life. and in 2009, i met some of the most amazing people :) i have amazing housemates, and i've made awesome friends. and on the other hand, i'm blesses to have friends who, whenever i come back, are able to let me fit back and start off from where we left off. it sometimes feels like i'd never left.

i'm as happy as happy can be. (: (:

you are my shooting star

2010-01-08T00:27:00.002+08:00

sometimes wishes take awhile to come true. and when they do, you have to hold on. hold on tight :)

i feel jet lagged although i have absolutely no reason to.

cos when i close my eyes and drift away
i think of you and everything's okay
i'm finally now believing...

home sweet home :)

2009-12-09T18:49:00.002+08:00

there's no place like home (: somehow fitting back into the life i had before adelaide seems like such a breeze. meeting up with family and friends is also much love <3...

haha i have a feeling my blog will remain abandoned for the rest of this holiday. haven't blogged or blog-surfed for quite awhile now. I guess when there are so many more important things to do like actually hanging out with people face to face, the internet seems secondary.

it's strange that 2009's coming to an end though. so many things happened this year that i really feel like i've gotten a lot older ):

oh well. more fun things ahead of me this holiday season :) and then during the xmas week, i'm gonna be off to Japan :) :) :) to visit my dear sister and my brother-in-law omg. so exciting :D

okay then. goodbye dear blog, till I next get the urge to blog. happy days lie ahead of me; of this i'm sure :)

peace out!

2009-11-04T12:37:00.003+08:00

rufus wainwright is an amazing singer. i first heard of him when i discovered his cover of hallelujah in shrek. and then i realized he did a cover of across the universe which they aired at the end of flashforward on monday.

sigh. if i'm truly over and okay with everything, why do emo songs still hit me so hard? hiding under my covers and listening to emo songs last night was a bad idea. i should revamp my itunes collection. and also, i should start eating proper meals and stop surviving on cadbury and toblerone.

oh last night's crab dinner was fantastic though.

ARGH i am officially stressed. everyone is i think. but okay. this is what happens when i get stressed. my blog posts become super rubbishy. and incoherent.

it's supposed to get better with time.

ARGH okay back to studying. :( i am reaching saturation point.

2009-11-03T14:42:00.001+08:00

okay this is how much i've lost touch with the people around me.
i sent a e-mail to my sister's japanese handphone and was wondering why she hadn't replied after 2 hours only to remember she's back in singapore for her ROM thing :/ i haven't spoken to her in weeks. :(
(with the exception of crabbing trip 2, which happened to be quite a success anyway), i have been having no life. either holing myself up at home in my room, or holing up in school CBL classrooms and drawing out mechs on the whiteboard (wx's genius idea haha)... and i don't touch my phone at all unless people call or msg me first.

how can it be so paradoxical? i want more time to study, but i want the next 2 weeks to just be over and done with. oh sigh.

study break over. time to get back to studying.

2009-11-01T10:56:00.002+08:00

today's worship session in church was particularly tearful for a few reasons. The main one being that for months I've been praying for a renewal of faith (my own in particular), and for a change in heart (one that beats, breaks, and feels for Christ). and today, i felt it. it was something that i couldn't contain; something that made me shed tears, and made me sing for joy. with the sudden realization and re-capturing the lesson of just how amazing that grace truly is. and of course, it was a really sentimental sermon by Pastor John, who's officially stepping down after today. It was his sermons that kept me coming back to this church, and I'm really going to miss having him preach every sunday. I think quite a few people were teary-eyed as well.

it's amazing just how quickly the year has flown by. it lasted forever, but ended too soon. it's a funny feeling. but in the mean time, i'm still surviving. (: study study study!

Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.

2009-10-29T09:20:00.002+08:00

my question is this: why are there so many dodgy people around?
or maybe they were always there, just that i never wanted to acknowledge their presence.

then again, there are so many things i want to say but am afraid to because speaking or blogging about them seems to make them more real. and as always, when i am at a loss, i find that i refuse to acknowledge these issues.

love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

i trust in the ever changing climate of the heart

2009-10-19T20:17:00.003+08:00

hmmm i'm feeling sleepy. but happy!sleepy. the kind of sleepiness that i used to get after swimming. oh and i probably should've mentioned this first: i picked up swimming again :) cos char brought me to the north adelaide aquatic centre.

and i'm very sure i posted this before, but because i feel the need to splash this up on my blog, here are some words of wisdom from jason mraz:

Nothing is final. One day you're high. The next day you're low. You might have a funky expressive or awful haircut today, but soon it will grow into something else, something new and random… … Perhaps you were madly in love last week, but woke up today feeling comfort in solitude, without a desire to be held.
Everything is fine. NOT final.
We tend to instantly identify with “things”. And we believe in so much, when in fact, a belief isn’t known to be true. It’s a hope for the truth. We hold grudges because of what someone said when we were young. We store hurtful words and replay them in our minds until we think it to be true. And some of us believe a TV commercial and think we need a faster computer, a smarter phone, a stronger pill, a more relaxed-fit jeans, etc. We think that certain things, thoughts, or actions make us who we are and sometimes we become addicted to those thoughts or behaviours and then become too afraid to let them go.
I write and post a lot therefore many people assume I have every self-published word memorized or that I live these shared thoughts constantly. This is not the case. My brain doesn’t reference myself very well actually, and I’m sure I contradict myself every other day in one way or another. One day I feel like I have all the wisdom of the world and the next day my soul wears thin and I stutter just ordering ice cream.
And everything is fine.
Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, and to learn what we are capable of. These meanderings, rants, and blogs for instance provide a great deal of comfort just sharing it, even though I put a part of myself on the line to be criticized or considered an ass.
Oh well, courage is triumph of the soul I guess. And an Ass can still be of great service.
So Remember, you have the right to change your mind.
About anything.
Anytime.
This is not the ending.
P.S. No doesn’t mean forever. It simply means, “not right now”.
And on the topic of not right now, whatever happened to you in the past is not happening now.
You will be safe behind your honest decisions and mood swings.
I promise.

i still don't know the solution, but as long as i'm happy with the way things are right now, i guess i'm more or less okay. i don't see the need to find the solution. i guess apathy is better than being affected.

and anyway, today's weather was much love. please please please send me more sunny days :)

oh and since the cat is out of the bag (facebook is too public), yes, i'm flying back earlier :) see you all after the 19th of November.

Hosanna in the highest

2009-10-12T10:40:00.002+08:00

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

i think what i really needed was to just take a break, get off the tracks and start considering things from a different point of view; to stop getting fixated on my own problems, and to realize how small they actually are.

unintentionally, i've embarked on a journey of rediscovering the basis for my faith, and the fundamentals of my beliefs. I mean, i know and believe in the 4 spiritual laws. I believe in His sovereignity. but for now, i just want to find a church (and a denomination) that i'm comfortable with, and that helps me grow.

after all this running around, it's come back to the same answer: to be still and turn my eyes upon Jesus. to look full in His wonderful face. and the things of the Earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.
heavy stuff aside, CBL has begun again ): ): ): and it's gonna be a crazy and packed 3 weeks of school, 1 week of study break (swot vac), 1 week of exams, and then... fly back home :D

i miss home so much :) and gek, you've said it perfectly - marblecake belong together. i can't wait for 1st December :) :)

see all of you soon :D

Hosanna in the highest

let be, let be

2009-10-10T18:22:00.002+08:00

silver white winters (which we totally didn't experience ><) eventually melt into springs.

for the longest time, i couldn't decide what i was feeling. then in the past few days, i guess i found my answer. haha too much's been on my mind and sometimes what i need is to just let it all go, and let be.

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

anyway i think pictures capture all the happy moments. so when i'm unhappy, i should just go view pictures on facebook all day. happy moments spent with good friends make me :) :) :) yay.

2009-10-04T17:15:00.002+08:00

"Some things, however, are true no matter how hard you might try to block them out, and a lie is always a lie, no matter how prettily told. Some doors, once they’re opened, can never be closed again, just as some trust, once it’s been lost, can never be won back."
- Alice Hoffman, Blue Diary

I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss, cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn too much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears with pretty smiles and lies
About the times

happiness

2009-09-21T15:57:00.002+08:00

so many things have happened in the past few days / weeks that i really feel like i've grown up a lot. maybe that's the reason why everyone keeps telling me i seem different or that i've changed. it's a process of being liberated and becoming stronger. i really feel like this is a fresh new start so maybe that's a good thing.

happiness is all about enjoying what you have. and with the dear ones who've been making me so happy the past few days, thank you <3

i think it's a very tiring process to have to keep thinking and double-thinking and second-guessing people's intentions and about who i can or cannot trust. but you know what? screw all of that. i think i can make my own judgments for myself.

i love my housemates. i love the friends who've actively made me laugh and feel good. and though life is not perfect, i guess i'm happy with the way things are right now.

this is my adieu.

2009-09-11T12:18:00.002+08:00

and this is the sound of one hand clapping
against the soundless air
of you, you and always you
this is the sound of the door slamming on my heart
this is the sound of car tires screeching in the street.
...
and such uncertainty is unbeautiful.
but this is my adieu.
i remember when we first read this poem in sec 3(??) i fell in love with it straight away. even though we were probably too young to understand of such pain and hurt. those were the good old days of innocence and bliss, and the happiness of being happy without needing a reason to be so.

it's not healthy to hold on to negative emotions. and so, to everything that's made me so unhappy the past few weeks, i bid you farewell. i think the event's changed me. and sometimes i think that's what growing up is all about - losing one's innocence. but enough is enough. and perhaps it's time to simply let go. let go, and let be. if anything, i just wanted to say thank you for the experience. but i'm getting off before this ride is due. because i'm not strong enough to hang on forever.

this is my adieu.

something inside this heart has died

2009-09-08T16:58:00.003+08:00

looks like working for gek's mum for that short period of time after A levels didn't go to waste after all. ahaha. because she grilled me and made sure i learned how to use excel properly, i actually managed to do the stupid bio report. haha gek, your mum is an effective boss :p

haii. the past few days have been filled with too much drama. honestly, we're all in our 20s. shouldn't we know how to handle our lives less childishly? sometimes i don't know what i'm holding on to. and after all that's happened, i'm not even sure if i can trust anyone anymore. oh, i'm in need of running away.

今　負けそうで　泣きそうで　消えてしまいそうな僕は
誰の言葉を信じ歩けばいいの？
ひとつしかないこの胸が何度もばらばらに割れて
苦しい中で今を生きている
今を生きている

i'm exhausted mentally. i don't know how long more i can keep this up. 我快要撑不下去了。running away from the problem didn't help; pretending nothing's wrong clearly isn't working either. when everyone's speaking in riddles and lies, i simply don't know what to think anymore.

something inside this heart has definitely died. i can feel it grow colder by the minute.

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

the solace of the computer lab is strangely comforting. the school looks different in the dark.

2009-08-31T16:52:00.002+08:00

it's been an eventful day @_@ i'm zombie-fied. i don't even know what i'm doing staring at the computer screen in the 24 hr comp lab.

ahhhh.

somethings are best settled quick and fast, like ripping a bandaid off. then again, some things are best left alone. :/ i confuse myself.

but today's been quite (: and the pretty flowers are blooming outside my new house. they kind of look like cherry blossoms except i have no idea what tree it is. oh and donating blood was quite interesting. my parents were so shocked when i told them i donated blood. and that my left arm will be bruised for 1 week. hahaha i think it was hillarious when my skin started swelling and the nurse and i were both "....." and staring at each other before she suggested pulling it out.

but yes, it's always interesting to have first experiences. this year has thrown me many firsts.

i think i sound crazed and incoherent. but there you go. i am really zombie-fied. this post is dedicated to yj who demanded for an update.

okay! finish work fast & go home fast! (hopefully)!
i am exhausted.

2009-08-30T16:21:00.003+08:00

pancakes have officially been ousted from the top of my list of comfort foods. i've been consuming yoghurt at an alarming rate, for the past few days. :/ and by yoghurt, i don't mean just any yoghurt. i mean the one from the yoghurt shop in central market. i've been pretty anti-social the past few days for reasons i won't say. but i love my housemates for keeping my anti-social behaviour in check. and for always checking in to see if i'm ok.

if i've made anyone worried, or if i've neglected anyone because of my anti-social behaviour, i really do apologize; it was never my intention.

but then, when things hit a low, they can only start looking up. so i have a pretty good feel about this. even though it's something i can't control; something that only i can get over myself. i'm sure things will only get better from here onwards.

yesterday's strange discussion with L, W, and M was kind of weird. L has a very strange perspective on life. not bad; just different. :/ quite a lot of food for thought.

sigh.. i miss you gek. have so much i want to share.

but i'll be alright; things will turn out fine in the end. they always do.

2009-08-26T07:44:00.002+08:00

in other news, i've shifted house! and settling in comfortably into my new house with my 2 new housemates :)

thanks to everyone who prayed with and for me, and to those who offered support and advice in all forms.

haven't blogged or seen my blog for ages i think. but it's okay. i'll update again when things more post-worthy come along.

alrite then.

Stars feel like knives, they tell us why we're fighting

2009-08-19T19:57:00.002+08:00

Stars feel like knives
They tell us why we're fighting.
Storm wait outside.
Oh, love, hold us together.

Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty and save me.

terrible i'm going to have puffy eyes at school and mppd visits tmr. >.< sigh. what is wrong with me this week?

it's alright. we all have periods of emotional lows. on to better things (:

oh well. this week has been really roller coasterish. i've had ups, i've had downs. i've had people being mean to me, but then i've also had people being really really nice to me as well. i sometimes think i'm really useless, to have to have people look after me like this all the time. but seriously, thanks a lot guys (: i won't name names but you know who you are (: thanks for brightening up my day.

i'm really falling in love with what i'm doing. work-wise, i mean. there are these days which affirm the decision i made to come here and pursue something i really wanted to do. so yes. enough crying, enough stressing. time to bury myself in work again. i haven't properly touched work this whole week. must get a grip on myself. and try not to eat so little.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Thank you, Lord, for everything. Even the things that make me unhappy. For without suffering, there cannot be compassion. Without trials, my faith wouldn't be tested. And though I know not where you're leading me, I trust that all of my days are indeed held in Your hands and crafted into Your perfect plan.

Psalm 23

2009-08-18T23:19:00.002+08:00

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. - Psalm 23:1

I realize the Lord's been trying to teach me this all year. I shall not be in want: not that I shall no longer desire anything, but that I will not lack. And not that I will not lack everything, but that I will not lack in anything God thinks is good for me.

It's time to stop worrying, and to leave it to God. It's time to mend hurt friendships (yes! trashed things out with him today), catch up with people i've been neglecting (finally managed abit over msn), and to simply stop making everyone around me worry about me. i'm really sorry if i've added to anyone's stress levels because of my own stress, and for making any of you worry. To everyone who showed me warmth and kindness, I'm really really thankful. I really am. you don't know how much it means to me.

and then there is the other issue. but that's something that i'll have to get over myself. closure can only come when i make my decision as to what my next step should be.
眠れないほど好きです
叶わない小さな恋
君なんです君のことです
布団の中もぐりこんだけど

まぶしいその横顔
全然届かないよ
忘れなきゃ忘れられない
心の中溢れる

告白なんかしたら
笑顔さえ見れなくなるから
ここから見つめるだけで
かまわないよ

please please please work out.

2009-08-15T12:23:00.002+08:00

if all works out, i will be moving house next week, with my new housemates, char and yx! (: right now the biggest problem is breaking lease with my current place though. :/ i really want. no need this to work out. sigh. got quite a lot of stuff on my mind now. i'm all set to move though. love the new place.

but yep, it's been a great week. let's hope the happiness and good stuff carry over to next week. (: think the weekends will be great too. got lots of fun stuff planned.

i am emo... NOT

2009-08-12T18:02:00.002+08:00

i know how my blog tends to be filled of posts i write when i'm emo, or angsty. but i'm not really all that emo. i mean, i do get melancholy at times but yes, my life is full of happiness and special moments too. haha reading yj's blog made me realize we record down all our saddest moments (because strangely sad moments inspires me to write. i've always treated writing as a form of bloodletting; to keep myself from bottling up too much maybe) but rarely pen down happy moments.

well, today was a really wonderful day. (: it was the sort of day that reminded me of so many things that matter a lot to me. and perhaps it would be good for me to mention this, so that when i look back on past entries in the future, i'll be able to find this post and remember that amidst the emo posts, there are rays of light and lots of happy moments as well. i love the people around me. thank you everyone, for bringing me happiness whether you are aware of it or not.

oh and the mppd lecture this afternoon was pretty powerful as well. everyone was quiet and really paying attention for once. and at the end of the day, i guess there's no meaning in doing anything if you don't care. without love, there is nothing.

look up

2009-08-11T21:06:00.002+08:00

realize i wanted to post this on sunday night but was too tired after national day celebrations to come online.

Sunday night
Things are looking up
Though the smile I wear heavy
Is just the art of the deadpan
Don’t let it fool you
I’m still as grateful as ever
Grounding into the soles of my feet
Strengthening my roots
Becoming the tree I’m meant to be
Looking up
Reaching for the sky with my eyes
Touching the sun with my tongue tip
Marking the clouds with my fingerprints
Calling stars what they are
Explosions in the sky
Enjoying this flash of success
In time for another wonderful moment

there is something strange about celebrating national day when you are overseas. it's like bringing a part of home to where you are. getting high on ndp songs; i'd never felt more drunk (and we didn't even have any alcohol). i miss home so so much. and i guess all i wanted to say was simply that i love you.

little things that make me happy; tiny incidents that would otherwise seem insignificant; i'm grateful for each and every little event the past few days that has made me happy.

looks like tonight is going to be another late night X) but it's alright. i can do this.

once more, with feeling

2009-08-07T23:45:00.002+08:00

just a quick post before i head off to dreamland X) ...

today (friday), or rather yesterday (since it's already past midnight), has been a very nice end to a very tiring and busy week. lots of things happened that made me :) :) :) and i just thought it was an awesome way to start the weekends.

you know, sometimes the generosity of another can be pretty overwhelming. but someone told me today that it is a good thing to practice receiving. Without people on the receiving end, there would be no givers. Every person is vital to the flow. A friend in need is a friend indeed. If this confuses your humble self, just say thank you and take the present without telling yourself you don’t deserve it. Society has a way of fooling you into feeling small or less-than if you find yourself at the receiving end of someone’s kindness. But if we all Give what we Get then there will always be plenty for everyone to enjoy at just the right time.

so yes. once more, with feeling.

(: happy! i survived week 2 :D

on this day, i'm kept alive by love alone

2009-08-05T21:56:00.002+08:00

on this day, i'm kept alive by love alone.

the stars shining above - they're beautiful enough to break my heart.

one thing i just wanted to say, but lost it in the busy flow of today's events: thank you. you don't know how much it meant to me. and probably never will.

i am wary of change. i always have been. but everything seems to be happening so rapidly that i barely have enough time to catch my breath. and then there are the moments that take my breath away.

everyday we learn something new. Let’s say you send some love to someone, but they don’t reciprocate the way you expected. That’s nothing to worry about. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Besides, if they don’t, why worry about that? If that mattered, you’d be creating that as a condition for having love in your life. Unconditional love is what we practiced when we came into this world in the first place – so it’s best we get back to being that.

on this day, i'm kept alive by love alone.

tiring week x___x

2009-08-03T21:09:00.002+08:00

this is going to be another tiring week x_x
why did the weekends just fly by just like that? i barely had time to catch up slightly on sleep sigh.

sometimes when i have a happy moment, i get a fleeting thought, or rather, a wish that time could stop then so that the moment could be carved into eternity. but i suppose i should be thankful just for these happy moments to even exist.

as usual, cbl is causing my undue stress and grief. i mean, i know i prepared, but i'm just not eloquent or showy. period. i can't believe he wanted to refer me to brush up on communico -.- but seriously, i think this sem's cbl group is highly intimidating. full of people who are brilliant and sensational. next to them, i feel like nothing.

sighhhhh homesickness is a strange feeling that seems to never go away. it's just hiding under my smiles and laughter and waiting to surface whenever something hits a raw nerve. but it's ok. the heart will adapt soon enough. i did it before, i can do it again, surely.

tireddd ): haha this is such a grumpy post. i blame it on my monday blues.

): tmr 8am lecture and ending at 5pm again. oh nooo.

homesick

2009-07-29T20:54:00.003+08:00

as wx kindly pointed out, the week will soon be over! haha a sudden wave of homesickness came over me yesterday. the feeling was so strong and overpowering that i really felt quite suffocated. spent the whole day unproductively and feeling rather emo and missing home (and special people back home) so much it was scary. and fretting over cbl didn't help much. now i really understand why people like shota and ryo and the rest of the guys would always complain about how tough it was for them to have to move from osaka to tokyo. i never realized how difficult leaving home behind was. it feels like leaving half of your heart and soul behind.

but then i really felt really touched to receive so much 关心 and 照顾 from the people around me that it helped me snap out of it. i'm very blessed to have such caring people here with me in adelaide. it's painful to be away from home, but i'm really really grateful that God blessed me with such amazing friends here. when the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.

then i channeled the remainder of my energy into preparing for cbl (to make up for my lack of productivity during the day) and slept at 4am. x_____x felt so sleepy during clin skills as a result. i realize i lead a very unhealthy lifestyle whenever the school term is taking place. i sleep late (and irregularly), i eat less. but what to do? i'm just not very efficient at studying. it takes me a much longer time to absorb info and understand new things.

and finally, something to encourage myself (:
荒れた青春の海は厳しいけれど
明日の岸辺へと　夢の舟よ進め
今　負けないで　泣かないで　消えてしまいそうな時は
自分の声を信じ歩けばいいの

change is taking place even now, but i'm going to let go and see where this leads me.

2009-07-27T18:15:00.002+08:00

exam results just came out :p i'm happy enough with what i've gotten (: (:

but sigh sigh the coming semester seems like quite a challenge. first day back at school, and already i feel like i'm drowning. not in work. but just the general feel. it's so weird being in a new cbl group ): ): ): everyone's so eloquent and i'm being my usual anti-social and quiet self sigh. but luckily there's sl with me. if i didn't know anyone at all, i think i'd be quite petrified. and frankly, even though i fight/bicker alot with sl in person, i think he's a much better friend than i give him credit for haha. this is going to be an interesting semester. i just hope i find my voice in class ):

after 3 weeks of letting my brain go to rot, i'm trying my best to get back into the mood for studying. 3 weeks has really made me lose my groove and rhythm. need to get used to doing household chores / cooking / studying / balancing my own life all over again. everything seems like an easy distraction to me now ): but then again, my room was always not the most conducive place for me to study :p i was always crashing either the village or toy's house to be the most efficient. terrible. i need positive pressure. someone be my study buddy please.

誰かが助けてくれない？めちゃシンドイねん。

bring it on (:

2009-07-26T15:46:00.006+08:00

[edit]it just seems like the right moment to be listening to GOODBYE DAYS by YUI. i am random. haha. [/edit]

am in much better spirits today. went grocery shopping with janene and jingru in a suburb! of all places. but it was a lovely experience. kind of felt like an adventure. i need to explore adelaide more. i realize i only know the same few streets and sights.

and just a few minutes ago, the rain came and went away suddenly. it was almost like i imagined it. but the rain left behind something really pretty (: my handphone camera doesn't do justice to how beautiful the rainbow actually was, but i couldn't help trying to take a picture of it anyway. was staring at it till it finally faded away.

alright, that aside, after having had very long and deep conversations with random ppl this holiday, here are some things i want to reflect upon.

i want to learn to live like there is no tomorrow: without any hesitations, any regrets, or any self-doubts; and just go forth to do the things i want to do without letting anything hold me back. Work as if you have no need of the money. Love as if you've never been hurt before. Dance as if nobody is watching you. Sing as if nobody can hear you.
i need to learn to stop letting other people dictate my life. (it's true. i've been a push over for far too long)... i need to learn to say no (in every sense of the word). it is after all, my life isn't it? so shouldn't i get a say in whether or not i want to do certain things? (bye bye bottom-feeder days)
i also want to learn to be less dependent on other people. my happiness should not have to depend on another individual. also, i shouldn't have to be afraid to stand up against another for what i believe in.
and while i'm at it, i want to be able to hold myself accountable for the things i do. when i aim to do something, i want to have the determination to hold on to it till the end. only then, can i start making changes, right?

ってゆうか、これから今まで以上にもっと頑張らなきゃね。もっと、もっと、強くなりたい。
弱い自分から卒業したい。

back in adelaide

2009-07-25T12:27:00.003+08:00

终于又回到离别的季节。又要开始习惯一个人自己生活，习惯生病时没有爸妈的照顾和关怀，习惯不能每天与家人见面。为什么时间会过得那么快？这么一眨眼之间，两个星期就结束了。我想遇的人还多得很，想做的事也还是很多。

sigh emo. when my mum left the first time i was emo too. but at least i can console myself that since i survived the first time round, surely i can survive this time too. but i can only look forward from here, and i refuse to look back because looking back seems to imply i've failed somewhere. it was my decision to fly out of the nest and so i don't want to have any regrets.

hahaha anyway with regards to cbl groupings... i'm either very lucky or very unlucky.

and because i have no cooking equipment or groceries, i shall eat out with janene.

oh and stupid sore throat. i sound like a frog now.

so much to do and so little time

2009-07-15T00:12:00.003+08:00

so much to do, so little time. i'm even neglecting my baby (my mac) becos i've been out of the house so much after having spent the first few days back with my family at home ...

2 weeks is not enough ):

finally went to dempsey! in jianliang's super cool car with chengg. and then went to marina barrage with cg, jl, and sichen :) haha seriously like a joy ride round singapore. and singing super old nostalgic westlife and bsb songs in the car was fun too! whee (: and tonight was spent out in orchard with yj. schedule is packed like crazy :/ but i'm enjoying every second of it!

The days we had
The songs we sang together

nostalgia is a beautiful feeling.

does the pain weigh out the pride?

2009-07-10T23:19:00.002+08:00

today is the day i make my stand. because i always tell myself that i've made my stand but my unreliable heart wavers when the moment comes. but enough is enough. so today is the day.

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins
- 21 guns // green day

You will soon wake to see
There is no heart
In anything you say to me
- Strong enough // Kina Granis

anyway, emo songs aside, as cliched as this may sound, there's no place like home.
the next 2 weeks is gonna be extremely packed >< and already, things are starting to clash! but somehow things will work out! :) see all of you soon! :) was v overwhelmed to receive so many text messages. loves <3

TADAIMA~

2009-07-08T19:57:00.002+08:00

TADAIMA <3 i'm home!!! :D

home soon! and thoughts on HJNTIY

2009-07-06T21:49:00.002+08:00

watched "he's just not that into you"... and i liked it. even though it wasn't fantastic, i thought it was a breath of fresh air from the usual chick flicks. it was honest and down to earth i guess. and what gigi said at the end kinds of sums up the whole movie perfectly.

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. " - Gigi, from HJNTIY

anyway, the week's flown by very quickly. really appreciate the company. it's been fun. but still, nothing beats going home. (: i can't wait!! in less than 24 hours, i will be homeeee :D spent a mini bomb at haigh's chocolates today buying chocolates for all my loves. haha you guys better appreciate it. (: can't wait to meet up with my family and friends (both old and new). and food (: haha i can't wait! can't wait! :D super excited.

hana yori dango

2009-07-04T22:00:00.002+08:00

finished watching season 1 of hana yori dango. and am stuck in the middle of season 2. i kind of want to know what happens, but don't want to continue watching, because season 2 makes me cry. i wish they just ended it off on season 1, then i could be happy and think that having gone through so much, they could just end up happily ever after. i kind of feel like giving up on the main couple in season 2, and rooting for yuki and soujiro instead. but i get the feeling they won't end up together. so in short, season 2 makes me very ): must hurry up and watch the ending and hopefully it's a happy ending so i will stop being so unhappy.

in the mean time, itunes is playing all the sad songs on shuffle and happily choosing none of my happy songs. ):

ありがとう、と君に言われると
なんだかせつない

あと一歩が踏み出せないせいで
じれったいのなんのって

どうしたの?と急に聞かれると
ううん、なんでもない
さようならの後に消える笑顔
私らしくない

信じたいと願えば願うほど
なんだかせつない

ok that aside, i think mothers are the most amazing people in the world. try as i might, i can never replicate the amazing things my mum makes, even with the exact same recipe.

but today, i received an email that made me very (: (: (:

life is full of surprises. and ups and downs. and i need to learn to stick to my decisions. but i keep swaying between what i know i should do and what i want. tsk. i also need to learn to stop imposing on other people.

i am sleepy. shall end off here, and not continue watching the show till tmr then.

freedom finally! (:

2009-06-30T17:12:00.004+08:00

[edit]二兎を追う者は一兎をも得ず ... :/ [/edit]

freedom finally... (:

time to start putting my life together again. time to start doing all the chores i've been postponing and refusing to do during the exam periods.

today, this is what i did:

send yx, char, sl, and kat off at the airport. ): will miss them muchly. and ahhh made me want to fly back more haha.
did my laundry finally! and (: the smell of the clothes fresh out of the dryer is very mood lifting (:
reduced many messy stacks of papers into one neat stack
did groceries (finally! no more eating junk food)
decorated my room! more to come when i print out pictures and photos next time.

see how pretty my bedroom wall looks now: (more stuff to be added on)

oh. and i finally started watching hana yori dango. ><

road trip tmr! :) and freedom! for the next 4 weeks :D

1 more paper!

2009-06-28T22:09:00.003+08:00

argh i am extremely restless at the thought of exams being finally over tmr!

and omg i need to start keeping track of who is on my fb friends list. like my JC civics tutor omg.

as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:09 PM)
mei bao
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:17 PM)
you'll be back next week right?
mable // says: (11:34:17 PM)
heyyyyy! haha no one's called me that for really long! :D
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:22 PM)
7th?
mable // says: (11:34:25 PM)
7th july yup
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:27 PM)
YAY
mable // says: (11:34:36 PM)
we should meet up!!
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:36 PM)
so happy and cant wait!
mable // says: (11:34:39 PM)
me too!
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:45 PM)
yupp definitely
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:50 PM)
haha me you sichen jianliang
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:56 PM)
its a DATE! haha
mable // says: (11:34:57 PM)
yes yes :D i can't wait!
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:35:08 PM)
we can be a four wheel vehicle
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:37:37 PM)
haha met mdm lee recently and she says you look very pretty in your pictures

and at this point, compliments aside, i was like "....... wait what?! she's seen my pictures? when! where! how! what?!!!! o____O "
and chengg goes on to remind me, "yes! she added most of us on fb remember?"
me: ...... right. now i remember.

chengg then happily reminds me: see i told you so. fb is dangerous.

ok but yes. random strange moment on msn aside. i'm really really really restless now.

can't hold on forever, babe

2009-06-25T22:55:00.003+08:00

i just might have screwed up today's exam :/ but no. i refuse to blog about it.

there's just 1 paper left and then the semester will be officially over! what a strange thought.

anyway today's been a kind of strange day. not in an unpleasant way. but strange nonetheless. skyping for hours with my bro was really quite the highlight. said bye to dad when he left for work, and continued talking to my brother, and then when dad came back for dinner and realized we were still skyping (and in the same conversation since he left), his expression was quite priceless.

and amidst the many msn and skype conversations from this afternoon, a particular one stood out the most. my reply: not today; but someday i will.

and indeed, someday i will. but everything is made perfect in His timing. I previously asked for a sign, and a sign He did give. So I'm wondering, if this is the right decision, why am I still so hesitant (to the extent that it feels like I'm doubting Him)? Maybe because the decision involves waiting. And we all get tired of waiting. It's like the feeling of being left behind and forgotten. But but but good things come to those who wait. So for now, I will stop over thinking so much and just be happy. (:

dessert at sugar bowl was yummy. a nice change from the heavy stuff we've been having at cocolat the past couple of times. but sadly, we are not fated to eat a chocolate bean ): it was CLOSED by the time we reached.

i seriously don't feel like studying already ): haha can't wait for exams to end :) lots of fun things to do. and presents to buy before flying back.

oh and dear room, i promise to clean, tidy, scrub, vacuum, pack, and make you all spick and span once exams are over. in the mean time, please bear with me as i live in the midst of my mess and forgive me for making you so messy and disgustingly dirty.

before the moment is lost..

2009-06-22T09:44:00.003+08:00

before the moment is lost, i just wanted to say: thankyou youxin, shinloong and toy for yesterday. love all of you lots.

staying positive

2009-06-21T08:33:00.001+08:00

don't cry

don't be sad

it’s not the end.

it’s not over yet.

it’s never over,

because you havent given up.

it’s not time to give up,

cos theres still room for improvement.

theres always room for improvement.

2009-06-16T23:04:00.002+08:00

I chanced upon this poem again, and sadly, relate to it alot more than i used to. i forgot what the ides of march signified (and having been a member of 315'04, there's no excuse for me to!) and had to google it :( ... memories, both the good and bad. they all play such important roles in my life. but try as i might, i can't hold on to every single moment in my life.

Forgetfulness - Billy Collins

The name of the author is the first to go
followed obediently by the title, the plot,
the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel
which suddenly becomes one you have never read,
never even heard of,

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

there's something hauntingly sad about reading words that strike a certain chord in your heart. or maybe it's just the effects of coffee on a cold and lonely winter's night, and looking at stacks and stacks of textbooks and notes i ought to be digesting and studying.

ok. enough rambling. exams start on the 20th. and end on the 29th. need to pick up the pace..

2009-06-11T19:04:00.002+08:00

alright. i have my answer. obvious enough i should think.

いままで、本当にうれしかった。いろいろなことをおしえてくれて、いつもあわせてくれて、本当にありがとう。

gek, msn please if you're online. yanjin too, if you're there.

oh and i'm going to be my sister's maid of honor. the wedding's been settled next yr december (to accommodate my schedule :) ), but they're ROM-ing this yr. i love you お姉ちゃん and wish you a lifetime of happiness.

Maybe this is it.

2009-06-11T17:37:00.000+08:00

Maybe this is it. Maybe this is goodbye as we know it. Maybe this is God's answer to all my doubts. Time to let go; time to say goodbye; time to learn how to fly away; time to learn how to stop chasing foolishly after futile things.

Enough hiding from the world; enough hiding from everyone around me. Enough rest and now I'm recharged. time to face the world again (: time to smile and face the new day.

The problem came about I suppose, when I started chasing after what I wanted instead of seeking what He wanted. And now looking back, I can see just how foolish that was. The things I did, and how easily I put myself out there. But this is it. The turning point where my mind's been set, no turning back.

I love you mummy and daddy for everything, and especially for what you've said in the past 2 days. I know I'll always have a place I belong back home. Can't wait to see you guys again. Literally started tearing over our skype conversation.

Bye bye moody days. Bye bye unhappy thoughts. Bye bye unnecessary emotional baggages. They're all going out the door.

As for the final dilemma, I'll give myself one last night to think about it. And when tomorrow comes, I'll make my choice.

That's all for now.

2009-06-09T19:28:00.000+08:00

Something that Janene brought up over ice cream on Sunday. Knowing that He died to set us free, why do we still choose to sin? I had, and still have no answer. I fall short so many, many times, and can never understand why He'd be able to look at the depths of my heart and still love me.

That said, what then, is love? Is selective loving still love then? When the pastor mentioned this on Sunday, I was pretty speechless. Because of what was written in 1 John 2:10-11. ("Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.") I think we create too many grey areas for ourselves, finding excuses to love conditionally. Some people we find easier to love. Others, we give ourselves excuses not to love. We cling to past hurts, betrayals, petty issues and the such.

So then it goes: You hurt me, so I hurt you back. When will this cycle ever end? Why do we let ourselves get hurt so easily, and why do we hurt others so carelessly?

My cousin's husband recently left her. Just one year into the marriage, he left her. The same guy who said he'd be with her through sickness and in health, for better or for worse. Why do people say such promises and not mean them? I think the worse part is that he left her to fight her breast cancer alone; leaving her for a younger woman. Why? And now, she's fighting self esteem issues, because she's convinced he left her due to her chemo and her mastectomy. The same guy who used to treat me to movies and meals when I visited them. The same guy who used to tell her she made the world shine a little brighter. If words don't mean anything, then why bother speaking them? When I heard about this, I was pretty affected.

This was never meant to be shared publicly, but I suppose the people who still regularly check this blog should have the right to know why I've been a little anti-social and moody over the past week. It's just that in such a unstable world, I don't know what to think, and what to believe in.

But the fact remains, that His commandment is to love unconditionally. Without asking to be loved in return.

I guess all I can do at this stage, is to let God do the loving. And just trust that even if all else fails, He still loves me. I pray He'll help me to find the courage to take leaps of faith, and love everyone around me. I pray that when I fall short, His power will be made perfect in my weaknesses, and that I will find it in me to love the ones around me; even those who've hurt me unintentionally (or worse, intentionally). If my anti-social behavior (on MSN, in person, over e-mails, over skype and phone calls) has hurt you, I really apologize. I guess I just needed time alone. But after having spent the whole weekend holed up in my room, I feel kind of conflicted. Like I shouldn't hole myself up for too long, but that I still need some time alone. Holing myself up is bad i suppose. i end up not eating. But that's normal i think. When i'm unhappy, i just don't think of food. No appetite.

Thanks mannshing for making me laugh so much today. thanks jingru for understanding my need to be anti-social, and for not judging me when i tell you about my anti-socialness. thanks toy, for feeding me when i went to your house yesterday (haha confession.. I hadn't eaten much the whole weekend). and thanks shinloong for walking around in the cold with me after school.

I miss my brother. though he tries in the wrong ways to try and get my mind off heavy issues. Like hello, horror movie trailers?! I live alone leh. If I get scared and cannot fall asleep, how?!

Alright. Just felt I needed to get that off my chest. Now, it's back to studying.

2009-06-09T18:24:00.002+08:00

今以上を欲しがる僕は世間しらずなガキですか？
求めるよりも与えろと諭すのですか？
君に胸張ってこの想い届けられる日はく来るかな？

でも...その笑顔まだ見てたいから言葉呑み込む...

ahhhh what am i getting myself into ):

personal note to self: stop stop stop stop stop before it's too late. oh and while i'm at it, i should stop giving in to myself too.

2009-06-07T19:21:00.002+08:00

had a lot i wanted to say but can't quite seem to find the words to express them.

feeling a little starved for company after having been anti-social and holing myself up in my room for the whole weekend (apart from church this morning and ice cream outing this afternoon). but oh well, i'll survive.

the stars tonight are quite breath-taking. perhaps staring out at them in the cold on the common balcony was a good thing. helps set things in perspective. (though the people indoors playing pool must have thought me quite crazy to be sitting out in the cold staring out at the night sky all by myself).

oh and i should probably lay off the timtams. they're giving me a sore throat haha.

and to a dear friend who's found happiness, congrats (: happiness is in your hands now, please hang on tight and not let go.

okay. shall end off here and wait for the right words to find me before i post my next entry.

2009-06-03T22:09:00.002+08:00

it's officially winter.

and today, i missed gek and for some reason, was thinking of her. and then when i went to check her blog after reaching home, saw that she'd recommended a song for me to listen to in the latest entry, and strangely, the lyrics were exactly what i needed to hear today. (: this must be telepathy <3 ... i miss having our telepathic moments haha. i also miss having mink around because she's the only person i've ever unleashed my split-personality-5-year-old-self on. so my 5 year old self is dying to burst out haha. mink, be warned. in july, you'll be babysitting my 5 year old self every time i see you. i miss being the three of us together.

but anyway. today was a very comfortable day. it was packed and long (as my wednesdays usually are), but the pace was very comfortable somehow. and doing slight recap of cbl case, dinner, and tv watching (which i haven't done for ages) at toy's house was strangely therapeutic. it's a strange thought though, that we're changing cbl groups next sem. ): ):

haha i shall sleep early again tonight (it just turned 12.30!!) because my brother is nagging at me to go sleep again. and ironically, the tv show i watched today was about sleep-related disorders.

think i've been very unresponsive and grumpy the past few days (because of the cold, cramps, and tiredness and some unhappy events).. but that's no excuse i suppose. but things are looking up now, i'm trying to be more optimistic, can you tell? :)

人混みに紛れても同じ空見てるのに
風に吹かれて似たように凍えるのに

2009-05-31T10:53:00.002+08:00

i'm exhausted X( and with no valid reason too, because everyone else has been studying a lot harder than i have.
everyone overslept today. so derrick ended up going to aacc with me, michelle only woke up after service was over, and luckily i was being fetched. or i'd never have gotten up early enough to make it on time.

reading her blog makes me very ): because she writes about all the heartache-ish stuff so bluntly and frankly.
i think sometimes the reason we feel anti-social, or at least try to close ourselves up, is because we are scared of becoming clingy. or dependent on the ones around us. if things start to matter a lot, and we didn't matter as much to them as they did to us, it'd hurt too much. but there can be no fear in perfect love, this i know, and i also know that love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrong-doings... love always protects, always hopes, always perseveres, and never fails.

and yes i have no excuse, but i'm really tired. and the cold weather is making me a little blue. was shivering the whole walk home from church. and that was with 3 layers of clothes.

oh i found the perfect birthday card for my dad anyway. it's so beautiful, and the design is just so perfect. and i bought it right away (even though his birthday isn't till about a month later).

alright. enough procrastinating. bye bye blog.

2009-05-28T19:55:00.002+08:00

it was freezing today. and because i find comfort in finding song lyrics that mirror what i feel (because it makes me feel like at least i'm not the only one who feels this way), these are the relevant verses which stood out to me anyway.

どれくらいの値打ちがあるだろう？
僕が今生きてるこの世界に
すべてが無意味だって思える
ちょっと疲れてるのかなあ

...

決して捕まえることの出来ない
花火のような光だとしたって
もう一回　もう一回
もう一回　もう一回
僕はこの手を伸ばしたい

誰も皆　悲しみを抱いてる
だけど素敵な明日を願っている
臆病風に吹かれて波風がたった世界を
どれだけ愛することができるだろう？

考えすぎで言葉に詰まる
自分の不器用さが嫌い
でも妙に器用に立ち振舞う
自分はそれ以上に嫌い

...

滞らないように　揺れて流れて
透き通ってく水のような心であれたら

- excerpts from HANABI // Mr.Children

and once again, i can't believe it took me so long to turn back to His word for the answers:
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." - 1 John 4 :18-19

i loved. was that enough?

and hahaha even my younger brother is trying to scold me for sleeping late :/

sms from him: why are you always still online when i'm going offline? isn't it a lot later there on your side?
to which, i replied: ... (: you know me the best. and since when did you start dishing out admonishments like an elder sibling?

mm. weekends are almost here.

2009-05-27T19:07:00.004+08:00

finallyyyyy wed is over. and i survived (: despite having a blocked nose and having bio tut + cbl + clinical skills back to back with no breaks in between. and through many episodes of blurness on my part, phew. the day is over.

haha tiredd. and the fire alarm went off again. ): this time it was someone on my floor. :/ then i went and had a really nice chat with jingru (: she's like family haha. still have lots to say, but that can wait. (: weekends! we can have a proper catch up session.

i'm having strange cravings for hokkien mee and rice dumplings. :/

okay. and to end off...
あたしは君の全てなど知ってはいないだろう
それでも一億人から君を見つけたよ (:

proper update when i'm feeling less sleepy. runny nose medicine makes me super drowsy x__x

oh and i'm looking forward to saturday (: dinner + baking + piano all in one day! (:

2009-05-25T20:37:00.002+08:00

see lah. this is called 自找麻烦。好端端的，干吗去听这种 emo song. oh well. but it hasn't affected me to the point where i'm emo-ing. just that it rekindled some memories and made me have a good think.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

oh well. anyway i should stop getting distracted by fb and blogging. sigh sigh. still didn't have much to say for cbl today. and i should go prepare for resource. finally finished my clin skills guidelines though. and hmm. if all goes well, will be making jelly hearts this weekend. (: <3 inspired by you, yanjin! haha and to satisfy sl & derrick, fineeee i'll make the normal cheesecake too.

haha i think i just used up a lot of my phone credits talking to my brother (see lah, all your fault. why couldn't you just turn on the computer and log onto skype). :X hope the remaining credits last me through the month. but talking to him is worth it (: (: july is coming soon! (: watch out my dear brother, soon we'll be back to our usual letting you own me at every game console you own, playing badminton in the garden, playing guitar hero together, listening to you try and teach me the difference between different car models (and it always goes in one ear and comes out the other haha :X ), and late night cooking suppers together when the rest of the family is fast asleep. <3 <3 <3 haha you're no longer a little boy (that i'll admit), but forever, i'll still have a protective streak when it comes to you.

2009-05-24T20:56:00.002+08:00

finally, some happier updates.

baked cheesecake yesterday. (: brings back many happy memories. especially of the one when gek, mink and i baked in gek's kitchen and enlisted the help of gek's brother. [haha best fwen, more baking sessions in july please <3 ] haha this time round, i was pretty much estimating the amount needed for everything. :S very risky haha. but it turned out ok (: and then toy cooked really amazing chicken rice. so dinner turned out to be really happy-fying. (:

spent most of today sleeping though (because i fell sick again ><)... i didn't even go for church sigh. daddy said it must be becos i wasn't eating properly. and though my dad doesn't express much regarding feelings stuff, when he spoke to me, it just really made me feel better. and then even though it was awkward after our last conversation, i spoke to mum. and though family arguments really make me feel very ): i think this one just might be coming to an end.

looks like the coming week is going to be another long and tiring week. but oh well. i'm looking forward to july! lots of things planned. i'm beginning to wonder if i can finish everything i want to do within those 3 weeks lol.

oh and on another random but happy note, charles just might come visit IF he manages to get to present (his PhD thingy??) in an education conference in adelaide! when i saw the facebook message i was like !!! haha charles will forever be my favorite teacher. He made me fall in love with physics when i was in sec 4. which brings back yet more happy memories of when i was sec 4. (:

thanks to everyone who was especially nice and understanding this week when i was emo-ing.

fever + headache's gone now. so it's back to tackling cbl issues for now. urgh.

2009-05-21T18:37:00.002+08:00

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." - Psalm 118:24

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:33-34

算了吧。还是同样的想法。只能說…下輩子吧。
有时真的搞不懂自己在做什么。不知为什么还是那么傻，飞蛾扑火般地把自己卷入那么复杂的情景。

but. enough of that. enough of people saying what they don't mean; enough of people betraying your trust; enough of having expectations of people and then being disappointed when they fall short. because after all, we're all just human. i'm pretty sure i fall short most of the time too.

and because i think that for one who's found happiness, you should know better than to mess around with the private stuff i tell you and then just go spilling them out to other people without first asking me. shouldn't you have understood from my point of view? and then for the other one, shouldn't you feel happy for the one who's found happiness instead of finding fault with her choices all the time? and in the mean time, stop trying to force happiness on the other one, who's now still trying to find her place in the world, and just trust that happiness can only be found when she finds it with her own heart.

i didn't like it today, when he laughed at something i was taking very seriously. but then again, that's just me being oversensitive.

oh but you know what? i should stop lagging in my studies. and push aside feelings for the time being.

2009-05-20T20:13:00.002+08:00

ちょっと誰にも話せない悩みの種があるのです。今、負けそうで泣きそうで消えてしまいそうなあたしは誰の言葉を信じ歩けばいいの?　ひとつしかないこの胸が何度もばらばらに割れて苦しい中で今を生きている。

i can sense a storm brewing. looked back at my posts from aug 16-19 2008 and am now really terrified of history repeating itself. much apologies to jr and sl for being so glum during dinner today. i know it's not good to bottle up, but when everyone else around me seems so stressed by their own worries, i don't want to go dumping my emotional burdens on them. thanks jr for being so comforting though. your hugs make me feel very warm and loved.

Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The LORD God [a] is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer’s feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills.

- Habakkuk 3:17-19

Birthday post!!

2009-05-18T22:25:00.001+08:00

Obligatory birthday post, though I don’t think I’ve been doing it faithfully every year. But hey, this has been a year of many new experiences and lessons learnt, so I thought I might as well make an entry to take note of all these things, and hopefully they’ll help me learn and grow.

The past year has definitely been one full of changes, good and bad. For one, this is the first ever birthday spent away from home, strange as it might seem. Also, we (gek, mingsee and I) didn’t get to do our tradition of celebrating each other’s birthdays. But I guess change isn’t necessarily bad. This has been one of the most exciting birthdays I’ve ever had. (: and I’m really happy to have been able to have a spectacular (double) celebration with a bunch of really awesome people I’ve come to know. I guess God was really teaching me to simply let go, and follow Him at the pace He’s set.

One of the most important things I’ve learned, is that first impressions are (almost) never accurate. I am a highly anti-social person with regards to people I meet for the first few times, and I guess I tend be overly paranoid. But amazingly, I’ve learned to get to know people for who they are. And yes, amazingly, some of the people whom I had really strange first impressions of, have turned out to be some of the nicest people I’ve known. And it’s safe to say that these same people make my world so much brighter now. (: I am a very troublesome person and to the special few people who always 迁就 me, thanks very much for always giving in to me and tolerating my nonsense. No matter how many times I say this, it’ll never be enough. I really do appreciate everything from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you so much to everyone for the birthday wishes, on facebook, via SMS, on MSN, and (other many means). To the bunch of special close ones back home in Singapore: Gek [best fwen!!], Mingsee (ok you’re technically in UK now but you belong in this category), yanjin, hamsie/wz!!, szemin, you guys are really loved. Thanks for being a really special bunch of people who have always been there for me whenever I needed an extra push or helping hand. It’s been such a blessing to have had you guys in my life for the past 5-7 years and counting!! Love lots and miss you guys so much.

And in no particular order: Jingru, Shinloong, Toy, Mannshing, Dave, Youxin, Charleen, Janene, Kat, Wanxian, Derrick, Wayne, Michelle, Fiona. Thanks so much for the really really special birthday surprise. I was really surprised. But hey! I didn’t wish anyone happy birthday back! :D Improvement haha. I’m really glad to have gotten to know each and every one of you. You will all receive individual notes when I get down to writing them. (: All of you are muchly loved and I really appreciate all the effort that went into the planning. It was a really brilliant plan and trick because I really believed that the Sunday celebration was the actual one. And then today even though there were quite a few loopholes, I didn’t suspect a thing. Haha maybe I am really too blur. :b But in any case, thanks for everything. I’m still feeling high.

Last 15 minutes left of my birthday. I guess I really thank my parents for shaping me into who I am today (: and haha I’m no longer a teen. Twenty. It feels strange thinking about it. But oh well. Here’s to the year ahead of me! (: Surely good things lie ahead of me.

And finally, thank you Lord for bringing me through every circumstance to where I am right now.
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful, I know that full well." – Psalm 139:14

2009-05-14T22:50:00.002+08:00

今以上を欲しがるあたしは違いますか？求めるよりも与えろと諭すのですか？
then again, not over-thinking is the best philosophy when such things are involved. i miss having my older sister giving me advice / sharing her views on life. What's meant to be will eventually be, and what's not meant to be will never be even if forced. So. Oh well.

i'll be so glad when tmr is over. it's been such a long week... but little things happened that made me quite (: despite it being packed and long and tiring.
but anyway nice stuff came for me in the mail today (:

i had a strange urge to play X Japan ballads (in particular "endless rain") on the piano today. but no piano. nvm maybe that's a good thing. X Japan songs are too emo.

haha oh! and there was yet another fire evacuation again. :/ when i was sleeping. and so not dressed for the cold outside. was very grumpy, so thanks for answering the phone to listen to me complain (: haha i was half asleep and cold, and whiny. not a good combination, so thanks for bearing with my complaining. i'm really guilty for making people tolerate such nonsense. for an anti-social person, it's strange how much i rely on the people around me. and perhaps it's the fear of being so dependent on others that makes me want to be anti-social. haha talked to _________ about this before i think, though we never did finish the conversation. it's a terrible paradox. it's like the idealist and the realist in me can't come to a compromise. the sad thing is, i think only people who have been hurt before think this way. i envy my brother. he's so trusting and open, and generally very sociable. which is good.

sighhh. still have to prepare for my case presentation.

thankyou God for the ppl around me

2009-05-11T23:36:00.002+08:00

woke up with a swollen right eye this morning and it seriously looked like a black eye for awhile. called my dad who was half asleep (probably cos it was 5.30am in singapore) and (probably sleep talking) suggested that i might have punched myself in my sleep. hahaha. but ok the swelling's gone down and i've already consulted my dad (when he was more awake lol). nothing serious i suppose.

still feeling ): which means my appetite's gone away again. when i'm ): i find that i have no mood to eat and i simply don't think of food.

but i'm really thankful for the people around me, who've really helped. there are probably a lot more ppl i should be thankful for, but these are the ones that primarily helped me pull through today.

1. Dave, for sharing Psalm 121 just when i was feeling that i might have been reaching my limit. but yes, God's word is a light in the darkness.

2. Toy. haha seriously, thanks for sacrificing your time to give me bio crash course. my bio is seriously in a very pathetic condition sigh. your help was really much appreciated.

3. mannshing, for the nice long walk we had today to the botanic park even though we almost walked through a swarm of flies urgh.

4. shinloong, for the nice msn convos we've had, and for telling me that i need food to be ): too.

5. jingru, for sharing chocolates and hugs with me, and for being there for me (: love you, girl! more hugs the next time i see you! (probably tmr lol since we're in the same building haha)

6. gek. best fwen ♥ you are dearly missed. thanks for talking to me on msn. i miss having you around to be my voice of reason and to be with me as i stress unneccesarily and rant / whine / be incoherent and upset. will be back to squish you in july! and mingsee too. (:

7. hamsie and eyeballs. for being so supportive and sweet and always there for me on fb and msn and skype. we three need to have a 3 way skype convo. soon. maybe in the weekends. haha if i survive this week x__x

8. fiona, for studying with me (even though i was stressing more than studying i suppose sigh) and for always making me laugh in our common classes.

9. mich for all our catch up sessions before and after church. (: thanks for being a listening ear.

10. and of course, my family... for always making me (: haha i loved how they knew instantly i was stressing just from the way i said hello. even though i was trying to hide it. and for saying all the right things that made me (:

alright. i still have tons of stuff that needs to be done, but i'm exhausted. and it's very late already. i seriously need to stop sleeping so late. sleep.

2009-05-10T16:11:00.005+08:00

first mother's day away from home and not being able to be there physically by my mum's side. but oh well. at least there's skype... ♥ love you mummy.

the little kids were so cute at church anyway. haha. service was really interesting today. gave me lots to think about.

but... i'm now feeling very very very very very stressed ):
bio makes me want to cry.

why am i still blogging? ):

[edit] 考えすぎで言葉に詰まる
自分の不器用さが嫌い
でも妙に器用に立ち振舞う
自分はそれ以上に嫌い

sigh. 真的好累。[/edit]

[edit again] because i need to say this. 誰かが助けて！ ): [/edit]

2009-05-09T12:43:00.003+08:00

mental whiplash. not funny. some confidante. i complained about it to jingru, and now she's being very !!! and excited while i'm just feeling :/ haha sigh. why so complicated? i whine.

anyway this is so not studying. it's more like having great amounts of information washing over me. i am not absorbing ):

mm. in other news, i am going to have my surprise mother's day skype convo with mummy (and my brother and sister and daddy). soon. when the 2 of them manage to successfully sneak the cake into the house. *waiting*... haha. quite sad ): this is the first time the three of us couldn't collaborate to celebrate mother's day properly. and it's probably going to be this way for quite awhile from now on. but anyways. hurry up and bring the present home!! i want to skype (: (:

oh! how timely! :) *goes off to skype*

2009-05-08T22:24:00.003+08:00

I think that's what it's like with all our dreams and our nightmares... we've got to keep feeding them for them to stay alive.
- A Beautiful Mind

i am tiredddd. ): and sleepy. ): and sleep deprived. ):

but anyway. yusuke proposed! and will be doing an official one in front of mum and daddy in june! haha my sister must be over the moon. i was so excited when i saw the sms (:

ok i need a better method for keeping myself awake.

incoherence: evidence of decreasing brain activity. i am sleepy. no wait. i typed that already.

ARGH. ok nvm.

2009-05-07T08:34:00.002+08:00

滞らないように　揺れて流れて
透き通ってく水のような心であれたら

あたし、疲れてるのかな。

2009-05-04T00:02:00.003+08:00

Dear God,

I talked to You today. I talk to You everyday.
I talked to You on my knees,
I talked to You as I walked to school,
I talked to You when I noticed that cute guy,
I talked to You while I waited for the bus.

And there's no answer. Why is there no answer?

Please reply.

Love, mable

-----

Dear mable,

I listened to you today. I listen to you everyday.
Why won't you listen to me?

I love you.

I sent you the sunrise this morning, I sent you the roses in your neighbour's garden on the way to your bus stop.
I knew that rainbow would lift your spirits in an otherwise gloomy day, but please understand that others need the rain to survive.

You don't know how much I love you.

I held you when you gave your heart away to someone who wasn't meant for you.
I've been watching over you every single time you threaten to trust foolishly and groundlessly.

Do you know that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate you from My love that is in My Son?

I'm your Father darling, I know where to lead you.
Will you trust Me?

I'll always be waiting for you.

Love, God

dreams and the fear of losing things.

2009-05-03T00:18:00.003+08:00

my goodness. i was so shocked when at 1.10am, derrick called my handphone. i was kind of wondering if he'd called the wrong number but in the end it was regarding psych. haha. ok la. attribution theory. we covered that in the social psych module. which was fun (: then i went and collected laundry. the smell of clothes fresh out of the dryer makes me (: (: and went to discuss more psych with derrick over msn. his psych assignment seems so interesting. haha i'm so glad for gek. if not for her, i probably wouldn't have studied 1 and a half sems of psych in nus. and though i guess it wasn't God's plan for me to finish my undergrad degree in psych, i really really enjoyed that one and a half semesters. In hindsight, I guess He was preparing me for where I am now, just that I didn't see it then. studying at nus was very comfortable for me. i had good friends in almost every module i took; campus was near daddy's clinic and not too far from home... it somehow felt like i was pretty much in a safe comfort zone where everyone and everything i wanted was just within reach. it was the life i'd come to accept. but i guess God had a different plan for me. which is why i am where i am right now. everything has a purpose. the people we meet, the choices we make, the situations God places us in.

anyway just a random thought. i think our dreams reveal a great deal about what matter to us. like how they always say the language we dream in is the language we feel most comfortable in. and though i am no expert in dream analysis (Freud, you leave me baffled half the time), sl told me about this really strange dream of his. i shall not bother trying to interpret it. but yes anyway. i was reminded of how in the drama [1 litre of tears], there was this particular scene that made me ): where Aya was telling Haruto that up till that point in time, in her dreams she was still able to walk and run and talk normally, but she realized she'd finally come to accept her condition because finally, in her dreams, she was the way she was: in a wheelchair, unable to move and articulate her speech... and then Haruto, said his ultimate sweet speech about how even though he probably couldn't be of any use to her, he wanted to be someone she could come to rely on because in spite of everything, he still loved her.

i think we only come to realize how much things matter to us when we begin to fear losing them.

i am sleepy. it's 2.15 am already ): shall go to sleep. zzz.

2009-05-01T23:43:00.003+08:00

my sister flew off to Japan today, happy and loved (: she'll be back after the long weekend, but i'm sure it'll be good for her to meet his family and spend time together with him in person. i think it's amazing how she found yuusuke because they're just so perfect together. and he's really going to be such a wonderful brother-in-law. and speaking of happy couples, galvin's getting married! and looking happy to be a groom. (: i'm really happy for him.

anyway for the first time ever, i felt (slightly) hyper in cbl! and spoke up a great deal more than i usually would. haha caffeine is a wonderful drug (: haha and wq, you're a wonderful cbl classmate! but yup yup i have lots of info to cover over the weekends. and i still need to wrap up stuff for anaemia.

and best fwen! glad you received the sms. if you read this in time, don't stress! i'm sure you'll do fine... don't bother bout the presentation kay? focus on your remaining papers (: <3 <3 haha and i saw your blog entry dedicated to me and doofie. haha i miss you both ♥

skype convo with parents + brother was really good (: my brother is growing up! and i'm not there to be a part of it! ): haha i can't believe he's so happening. in school till 11 pm almost every day. too many ccas, i say. but well, his grades are better than mine used to be (even with his crazy schedule) :X so i won't bother saying much, other than the fact that i miss him so much. ♥

okies. shall sleep now in attempt to fix my sleep cycle.

2009-04-30T21:03:00.003+08:00

i think the things we do leave a far greater impact on the people around us than we can ever imagine. and then again, sometimes it's the things we don't do (or say) that matter. irresponsible niceness can hurt sometimes, as can apathy, more so than hate.

as quoted from benjamin button, "our lives are defined by opportunities; even the ones we miss."

and since i'm quoting movies, i might as well add something from "closer", the movie we watched at michelle's house.

Dan: I fell in love with her, Alice.
Alice: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.

最近好像有种一直要大家迁就我的感觉。it feels strange to me. like i'm imposing on everyone around me. 皆、ごめんね (i'm sorry everyone).. i'm sleepy. and wondering how some people can compartmentalize their emotions so efficiently. for me, everything is in this messy whirl all around my head.

too much info in front of me. i can't absorb ... but i won't stress. becos stress causes release of cortisol, which has been shown to reduce the size of the hippocampus, which effectively reduces one's memory. hah. i still remember the stuff we learned in cognitive psych. why?! i should be trying to remember stuff on hypertension or anaemia now!!! haha i think this was covered in psych lectures too. something about retrograde versus anterograde memory. this is so ironic. the relevance of prior knowledge hitting home.

oh alright. shall go be optimistic and hope to cover more info before tmr. and hope i don't wake up late again!

家族

2009-04-28T23:47:00.001+08:00

efficiency. or rather, inefficiency. is making me ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ):

ok nothing serious. i'm just annoyed with myself. think cbl tmr will be quite terrible.

think it was good to msn with gek and skype with ming finally. :D love you both! <3 <3 <3 <3 can't wait for july when we can go out as a trio again. and amazingly, mingsee's hols coincide with mine. :D

am really becoming stupider however. ): and thus affecting my efficiency. sigh.

but anyway!!! its 1 am now! but i feel high/happy because i just got off skype talking to my family <3 my dad got carried away and started explaining really cheem things to me like he always does (and i always love listening even if i only understand half of what he's saying), and my mum eventually cut in to tell him it was 12.50 over here at my side. that's when he reluctantly stopped talking and i reluctantly said good night to them. ): but then the goodnights lasted close to 10 mins cos we all kept interrupting each other to squeeze in last minute info to tell each other. hehe. it's such a funny feeling to see the rest of your family fighting for the mic. and trying to fit into the screen. (: (: (: haha happy times. i am in an excellent mood now. let's hope it carries over to tmr! :D 家族が大大大大好きだ！！いろいろな事を教えてくれて、SKYPEであたしと一緒に笑って、泣いて、本当にありがとう。皆の笑顔を見た、とてもとてもうれしかった。お母さん、お父さん、お姉ちゃんと弟くん、愛してるよ！♥

2009-04-28T18:36:00.003+08:00

i realize i've been too caught up with myself for quite awhile, and neglecting the people who matter. sorry if i've been a lousy friend / sister / daughter and not been caring enough. but i know i love you <3 and i know all of you love me <3 and if i haven't been showing it enough, then i promise i'll make greater effort. no other language expresses this better, so 今まで、お世話になりました、本当にありがとう。これからもずっとよろしくお願いします。i'll continue to be an imperfect person, but i promise i'll make effort.

in other news, lunch was a terrible affair. but dinner was enjoyable. jingru and derrick came over and we had dinner together. (: though we treaded on dangerous waters, i wanted to steer clear. not nice getting involved in affairs we shouldn't be involved in. we complicate our own lives too much, really. so enough is enough, i say. we finished my doritos though. and jingru made cottage potatoes!

and now, back to work. as usual.

我不想再猜下去

2009-04-26T22:12:00.004+08:00

i'm tired. and wondering why i keep getting subjected to guessing games like these. even michelle agreed it wasn't fair on me.
like i don't have enough to worry about. sigh. people, if you have stuff to tell me, please just tell it to me directly. don't go giving me cryptic questions and messages in MSN convos to me and then telling me to drop it when my response is "?". like hello?! you started it! and seriously, now is not a good time. i am stressing. DON'T add to my stress levels please.

on another note, it was good hearing my dad's voice finally. haha we skyped for 3 hours straight. and then yj skyped with me too (: haha loves <3.

ok. back to work.

2009-04-25T09:36:00.002+08:00

あっ、幸せ．．．(: or at least that's how i feel now. of course, that's if i ignore the nagging feeling at the back of my mind that school is starting and i haven't done much.

haha fine. my blog wasn't as obscure as i thought it was. and in a sudden turn of events, my blog has gone from semi-private to semi-public once again. i figured since it's been exposed already, no harm giving away the url to more people. hamsie this all your fault. who ask you to have this kind of nickname that's so uncommon! haha gek suggested moving to a more private place but i'm too lazy to move. we'll see how this goes. see if i can get used to the idea of blogging with more people than expected reading my incoherent and random ramblings.

anyway i found this ancient entry from jason mraz's online journal! and since i really like what he's put down in words, here it is, complete with disclaimer that i didn't string these words together. he did.

Nothing is final. One day you're high. The next day you're low. You might have a funky expressive or awful haircut today, but soon it will grow into something else, something new and random… … Perhaps you were madly in love last week, but woke up today feeling comfort in solitude, without a desire to be held.
Everything is fine. NOT final.
We tend to instantly identify with “things”. And we believe in so much, when in fact, a belief isn’t known to be true. It’s a hope for the truth. We hold grudges because of what someone said when we were young. We store hurtful words and replay them in our minds until we think it to be true. And some of us believe a TV commercial and think we need a faster computer, a smarter phone, a stronger pill, a more relaxed-fit jeans, etc. We think that certain things, thoughts, or actions make us who we are and sometimes we become addicted to those thoughts or behaviours and then become too afraid to let them go.
I write and post a lot therefore many people assume I have every self-published word memorized or that I live these shared thoughts constantly. This is not the case. My brain doesn’t reference myself very well actually, and I’m sure I contradict myself every other day in one way or another. One day I feel like I have all the wisdom of the world and the next day my soul wears thin and I stutter just ordering ice cream.
And everything is fine.
Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, and to learn what we are capable of. These meanderings, rants, and blogs for instance provide a great deal of comfort just sharing it, even though I put a part of myself on the line to be criticized or considered an ass.
Oh well, courage is triumph of the soul I guess. And an Ass can still be of great service.
So Remember, you have the right to change your mind.
About anything.
Anytime.
This is not the ending.
P.S. No doesn’t mean forever. It simply means, “not right now”.
And on the topic of not right now, whatever happened to you in the past is not happening now.
You will be safe behind your honest decisions and mood swings.
I promise.

anyway jingru is back! (: and my breakfast was yummy! and i am actually feeling kind of sleepy now. must be the thought of preparing for cbl case presentation urgh. but yes. considering i only slept 2 (or maybe less) hours last night (actually this morning), i shall go take a nap. (:

i miss jingru ):

2009-04-23T14:46:00.004+08:00

[Edit]omg i just read this really ancient past entry on my blog about how i had an emotional outburst at poor posef and i realized it was very very similar to poor sl. haha like i think i always misdirect my frustration at poor innocent people. it was exactly the same how it happened then. like posef would suan me and i'd not care usually. but that day was just so bad. i still remember what made me so ... in the first place. but oh no. i really shouldn't have brought it out on him. ahhhh i realize i haven't really changed much. i still bottle up. and when there's too much inside of me, i explode on totally random innocent bystanders >< ... haha i remember the last time round, wz threatened to bomb posef with juice for pissing me off until i convinced her it wasn't his fault really. this time round... the same thing happened didn't it ): the suaning was the last straw that made me blow up. i'm so grateful everyone's being so nice about it. embarrassing >< [/edit]

almost almost done with my essay. but just needed to say. i miss jingru!! ): haha i am so lonely here in unilodge without jingru to keep me company.

i have to admit, it's really amazing how God placed me in the midst of such nice people. and provided me with them just as I needed them. i have my usual trusted select few back home in singapore (i miss you all so much). here, i've found confidantes in people, some of whom i least expected. but that's another story for another time. people appreciation post another time.

it's such a dreary day today. looking out of my window just depresses me because of the rain and the grey skies. kinds of reminds me of me and him. before everything went awry. don't think i've actually told anyone the whole story, even after yesterday's sharing, i think i've only revealed the tip of the iceberg. but then again, that's because some memories are better left alone. even though there was lots of hurt (and i think i caused him lots of grief too), i'd like to stop telling everyone about the bad stuff. some day i should share about the good stuff too. so that i can remember more about the happy times and just live and let go.

self-discipline

2009-04-23T12:20:00.003+08:00

i am sorely lacking self-discipline in my life. dinner was supposed to be a simple quiet thing, but unexpectedly it became a huge group outing thing (hanging out in large groups make me tired sigh) that ended in yet another random spontaneous sleepover. not to say that i didn't enjoy myself, but still. i should be sleeping, if not, trying to complete more work / mugging. and urgh my room stinks of something. wonder what happened in the night i wasn't here. ><

i miss lemon-tea mummy used to make for me. i miss watching tv with abner. i miss all the late nights spent talking about our lives and other random spontaneous things with jiejie. i miss watching daddy work on his fish tanks and telling me about the different kinds of aquatic plants he liked. i am homesick. a little.

oh on a totally random note, i was highly amused that they hypothesized that i had a crush on sl. -.- like please, NO. to me, it was completely illogical, but i had a good laugh over it when he told me -.- and when i told dave, he almost died. i almost died of laughter.

alright. incoherent ramblings aside, i should try to do work. and do something about my sore throat and blocked nose. :( nvm. health assignment, here i come.

2009-04-22T11:36:00.002+08:00

ARGH i just can't seem to get any work done when I'm at home ><

in other news, i now have a blocked nose. and i think the amount of food i ate yesterday is more than the normal amount i'd eat in 2 days. goodness.

something we brought up over supper last night (or should i say early this morning): why do people suffer? so that His will can be made known through our suffering. for His power is made perfect in our weaknesses.

the holidays are coming to an end ): time really does fly.

sometimes we all want to believe there's more to things than meets the eye. but when will we learn to just take things as they are?

what the hell is wrong with me

2009-04-20T07:39:00.003+08:00

"take the pain out of love, and love won't exist".

why? why do we have to cause each other disappointments, hurt, betrayal, heartache? love shouldn't have to feel this way.

love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

i lost my temper in front of my friends this morning. and stormed out of the room so i could go home. which is scary even to me. i don't do such things. perhaps the name calling was the last straw. and even so, i feel bad for taking it out on him. if anything, i shouldn't have had to make him feel guilty for it. i know he was trying to talk to me to understand when he came after me, but i don't do verbal stuff. i can't talk about my problems. i feel that if i say it out, it makes the problem more real. that i'm acknowledging that it exists. i hope i don't lose a good friend because of this. that would be the stupidest thing i could ever do. oh and i got lost cos i made a wrong turn on the way home, and then i got even more upset. '

what the hell is wrong with me?

i feel like i'm becoming a porcupine again. i was beginning to open up slightly and now, i'm back at square one. i'm shutting everyone out and not daring to grow too attached. the more attached you are to someone, the more expectations you have out of the relationship, and the more likely you will be disappointed.

under any other circumstance, their text messages would have made me very happy. but today, i just don't know how to reply appropriately.

i hope i'm not screwing up my life here.

也许幸福在梦的另一端，无法存活在真实的空间

2009-04-19T12:04:00.003+08:00

oh who am i to beg for difference?
finding love in just an instant
well i don't mind
at least i've tried.

-mr curiosity, jason mraz.

felt sick this morning and threw up. i hope i'm not developing an eating disorder :/
and missed church becos of that. ): *is unhappy*. i don't like missing church for personal reasons like these.

jason mraz <3 and other things that make me miss my brother

2009-04-17T22:34:00.003+08:00

at times like this, i really miss my brother. he's the one who first introduced me to jason mraz's songs. and he's always been the one i've discussed mraz's songs with. so having just attended a jason mraz live, i really wish my brother could have been there too. i LOVE jason mraz. he is such a talented performer. it's like he's so casual and natural at all his actions and he just sweeps me away. i loved tonight's rendition of "beautiful mess". it's always been one of my favourite songs, but tonight's version was really amazing.

in other news, my brother was stunned that i even knew the existence of a game called left 4 dead. hahaha. coming overseas has made me do things i'd never have dreamed of doing if i were in singapore. this includes stepping into a lan shop. and i might actually be watching a football/soccer match at midnight on sunday o.O shocking, i know.

road trip was fun! concert was fun! oh no. i've been having too much fun. and too much of anything is bad, even if it's a good thing.

anyway i am really tired. shall TRY to sleep. even though the clubbers are being EXTRA noisy on hindley tonight. i can hear karaoke music and people screaming and cheering from where i am (11th floor).... ): sigh.

總有一天我的謎底會解開

2009-04-13T12:45:00.003+08:00

it's been really nice having friends stay over or staying over at friend's places for the past couple of nights. it's always nice to wake up and know that there are people you care about close by.

anyway i woke up late this morning and strangely, felt like i was liberated. i'm not sure if i'm completely? but this is good, isn't it? i'm moving on, one baby step at a time.

have been playing too much anyways. i should get down to trying to do work or study or at least try to.

i'm still sleepy. x__x my sleep cycle is. ruined. ><

<<遇見>> LYRICS

聽見冬天的離開我在某年某月醒過來
我想我等我期待未來卻不能因此安排

陰天傍晚車窗外未來有一個人在等待
向左向右向前看愛要拐幾個彎才來

我遇見誰會有怎樣的對白
我等的人他在多遠的未來

我聽見風來自地鐵和人海
我排著隊拿著愛的號碼牌

我往前飛飛過一片時間海
我們也曾在愛情備受傷害

我看著路夢的入口有點窄
我遇見你是最美麗的意外

總有一天我的謎底會解開

fun overload

2009-04-12T11:59:00.003+08:00

i've been having too much fun since term ended. on thurs night, there was the end-of-term party, after which i spent the night at (new friend! yay!) jingru's room. next day, we went to the zoo! (: and then went to wq's house to play and have pizza. then i spent the night with janene at jr's place again. and played with honey the kitten <3 <3 <3 then yesterday, we went to the airport to send ppl off, after which, lunch at ikea and then more card games at wq's house again o.O but i felt a little stifled at the end, so jr and i walked home, only to decide to have dinner at nando's and was joined by sl and wq (: then we played spot the difference on fb and got um. kind of high, which is a serious understatement. then we all went to sleep in my apartment and i woke up early and in time for church :D

haha people-related matters are so strange. but i guess i'm just happy to have people i consider (close) friends. i'm happy, and that's enough for me.

anyway, happy easter everyone (: i learned a new song during worship today, that deserves special mention.

Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives all fear is gone
Life is worth the living
Just because He is alive.

HOLIDAYS <3

2009-04-09T16:22:00.003+08:00

the compulsive blogger in me just has this to say: 2 and a half hours of sleep and and very dry eyes do not a successful test make. in other words, the test this morning was um. pretty screwed. i couldn't finish the paper and towards the end, my eyes were closing on their own accord. >< but yes. i don't mind having to stay up talking to friends as long as it makes them feel better. i guess my problem is that i care too much? about everything in general. like i don't feel safe hanging up unless i know for sure that she feels better or is in a better state of mind. and probably becos i care too much, i get more easily emo over things as well.

strangely, i feel very awake now though. must be cos of good company at lunch (mannshing, weiquan, and shinloong) (: spending time with people i care about makes me (: and for once, i finished my food. haha is my bad appetite really that obvious? o.O oh well. not like i can control my appetite. i just don't feel hungry. that's all. it's kind of amusing how everyone commends me for finishing my food or for saying that i feel hungry. they make me sound like some anorexic kid with issues about eating. but today, i finished my lunch! and my lunch consisted of more than just 2 pieces of bread! *applauds self*
but that was lunch. dinner today shall be strawberries i just bought from the central market. (: yay strawberries.

shall be walking over to the village to meet the rest soon. and hopefully i don't regret my decision to go partying. i mean, seriously, i am not really a clubbing kind of person. i don't get like why and how people enjoy clubbing so much. i'd really much rather sit and talk and eat or play card games. or movie marathon. i guess i'm a pretty boring person. but will see how it goes. hope it's fun tonight.

in other random news which i probably should have first mentioned, it's now HOLIDAYS <3 haha 2 weeks of it :D my mind is totally in holiday mood. and it's a little alarming how time flies though. can't believe half a semester just went by like that.

2009-04-08T17:37:00.005+08:00

booo why doesn't google allow my blog to load?

anyway. there can never be enough chocolate bubble tea :D whee!

things are improving. (: i'm no longer emo-ing so much, and i've given up over-analyzing my thoughts and actions. haha just go with the flow. and accept what i'm getting and expect nothing more.

okay. time to study study study study. tmr there's a formative test. eeyer.

and after that, HOLIDAYS!! (: hope our plans actually happen. looking forward to having lots of fun <3

2009-04-07T21:13:00.003+08:00

i wonder which feels worse:
saying something and then wishing you hadn't, or not saying anything and wishing you had. the first takes guts. and i am a coward. therefore, i shall stick with the second.

anyway. i am drowning in readings from um. all over? i don't really know what i'm reading. gg. now is the time to wonder why i didn't take bio. i have mr soh to thank for that. he and his friend mr orange. i will NEVER forget. (though it's been let's see. 5 years?) oh and his diffusion lesson was pretty epic too, i think. the smell of his cologne... *shudders* and so was his posterior act when he climbed onto the teacher's table in the science lab. those were like my only memories of bio lessons. which says a lot, ironically. i'll admit, he proved to be a nice person in the band trip to japan, but uh. bio lessons? i didn't learn much.

okay why the heck am i blogging? because i am at my wit's end. *applause*... and omg how many ppl exactly did i tell my "bottom feeder" story to. and my "happy birthday" story as well. terrible.

bleh. i miss having something huge and soft to hug. [squishy, i miss you ): ): why are you in singapore in my bedroom?]

i am such a strange person with weird idiosyncrasies. i wonder how people put up with me. but it's a good thing they do. i can't survive without other people (which is strange since i'm kind of anti-social and i take VERY long to want to open up to new people, so i think it's quite a feat that i have actually made friends i consider close in erm 6 weeks?) ... i think i'm clingy, whiny, and just. really strange. but. i suppose that makes me unique :D

oh no. i sound high. must be my chocolates. okay okay. NO MORE CHOCOLATES. and back to work.

one last thing, i miss many ppl now, esp mummy, daddy, abby, hunzy, gek, mink, my sb, emmtan, minggy ...
and yes. back to work. 我今晚不能睡了。太多东西做。i only have my efficiency to blame. what is wrong with me? like seriously. i think i've become more and more stupid after coming here. ):

あきらめたいけど、なんか難しい

2009-04-07T15:33:00.003+08:00

开始转凉了。天也更快变黑。
这种气氛总让我觉得有点寂寞。

): why do i struggle over the same things every day?
i keep thinking i've moved on but realize soon after that that's far from the truth.

悔しくて、悲しくて、疲れる。もう．．．あたし、どうしようかな。『だめなのか』思うけど、やっぱり彼の事が好きなんです。あきらめたいけど、なんか難しいなー。i should stop thinking this way. ><

trilingual post. interesting.
alright. back to work. i have lots to cover tonight. .______. and cbl presentation. urgh.

2009-04-06T19:01:00.003+08:00

omg isn't it strange how everything seems to be coming back full circle? i've been looking at my previous blog entries (including livejournal and pitas and my other dead abandoned blogs) and it's scary how it seems like i've not learnt ANYTHING at all from my past mistakes. why? i wonder if things will end up like they did before. but i highly doubt it. clearly, my heart is in the wrong place. and so is my head.

gotta get back down from the clouds! focus focus focus. study study study! *screams in frustration* ... mind over heart. mind over heart. mind over heart.

okay. now i feel slightly better.

back to work.

feeling (: once more (ii)

2009-04-06T16:54:00.003+08:00

i wonder if my appetite has shrunk for good. i feel full after eating half a pack of rice and vegetables. :/ and like my jeans are seriously a lot looser than they used to be. i suppose i should be rejoicing. i always wanted to lose weight but never got down to doing it. and now that i have actually lost weight (i presume.. i don't have a bathroom scale), i start wondering if my psychogenic stress is getting to me. haha i really am never satisfied am i? but yes it's nice to have ppl who keep trying to get me to eat. like mich and shinloong, and mannshing who offers me her food :) thanks guys.

in other words, today was okay. i think i'm beginning to get a grip on myself.

though i must admit, even though i know too much of anything (even a good thing) is bad, i can't quite be obedient to my thoughts, and i find that i become all 甘えんぼうwith regards to.... :/

素直じゃないあたしは
どうしようもなく　今　甘えんぼ

random bit of interesting info though, derrick has the same birthday as my dad, toy has the same birthday as my mum. haha they can be my makeshift mummy and daddy. and shinloong is (un)fortunately not related. hahaha okay nvm. why am i amused by such strange things.

but this is a good sign! i am blogging about things that made me (: instead of just emo things.

bleh. i need to start mugging. i miss my deans list place. made me feel like my efforts paid off. here, i constantly feel behind and slow. i'm happy to be here though. it's just that i want to make it all worthwhile.

2009-04-05T21:32:00.002+08:00

): ): ): i napped after doing laundry and slept through my alarm clock again!!! i hope i hear it tmr morning when i have to go to school. or else. i will miss my lectures and cry T___T

my sleep cycle is. all wonky now. ):

now i have to cram cbl readings i was supposed to be doing after dinner, which i unfortunately slept through as well :S

but ah what the heck. 4 more days 4 more days!

そして、．．．
大好きな君へ、
本当に大好きだ。でも告白の勇気がないの。ってゆか、今まで、本当にありがとう。ここからもよろしくね。if fate allows it, someday i will let you know.

feeling (: once more

2009-04-05T13:13:00.003+08:00

[edit] 我已经领悟了想太多的是我，也明白结局其实早已很明显。but i really think that i'm beginning to move on. i feel sort of happy again. and my appetite is coming back again (: haha. the really strange thing is that i'm beginning to draw parallels between the 2 of them. it's scary how much similarities they have. maybe it's fate. :S but the thing is, i never realized these parallels existed till i got to know the 2nd one better. what is wrong with me?! hahaha! maybe my brain is still fried from yesterday. [/edit]

in a strange turn of events, the study session yesterday ended before dinner, and then the guys went off to cook while i went and made myself happy by playing the piano (: haha the cold got to me really quickly though and eventually i had to stop and go bury myself in winter jackets, socks and gloves (all borrowed :S) and try not to feel so sick. then dinner came and the good food made me :) and then we had card games that got me feeling very high again. this is the kind of atmosphere class gatherings and sb sleepovers used to give me. the feeling of getting high with a bunch of friends and just relaxing in each other's presence. it ended at around 2 plus and i reached home at 3 (though technically since we turned back the clock one hour after daylight savings ended, i reached home at 2) and turned on the heater really strong and went to sleep.... and slept through both my alarm clocks and almost couldn't go for church today. terrible.

then after church today, mich and i went for lunch at chinatown and invited shinloong who stays at the village, and then i declared happily that i found my appetite again. we even had chocolate bubble tea after that which made me even more (: haha i have been terribly unproductive this weekend, but yet i still feel so (: about many things. think i should start getting more concerned about my work and getting down to studying really soon.

so yes. shall quickly go do my laundry before i get down to mugging about mrs burns and her anaemia.

ironically, it's these small little things in life that make me feel the most (: haha.

2009-04-04T06:52:00.003+08:00

haha i have no idea why i've suddenly gotten back into the blogging streak. :/
i always have this inexplicable need to blog when i am emo. and i haven't been emo for really long (which explains why my blog was on semi-hiatus for so long) and then last week was just. emo-fest! D:

i am trying trying trying my very bestest to be rational and to take things in my stride. things are improving and yes, i know i am loved (: and i thank God for everyone who encouraged me throughout this long and dreadful week. (or was it 2 weeks?)

所谓爱情不爱情，已经不重要了，信任与否，也不是最关键的了，明知道空气有毒，我就能不呼吸吗？明知道水里有毒，我就能不喝它吗？我们都知道自己会死，我们就不活了吗？

如果说前世的五百次回眸，只能回来今世的擦肩而过，那么我们是累积了多少缘份才回来今世的相知相处？冥冥中，我又与多少人回眸，多少人擦肩而过？齿轮的转动，因果相循，我又是剥夺了谁的权力在此苟且偷生？

这样的我令我讨厌。

没有人的我真的活不了。剥下人皮的我，又是什么龌龊的存在？

my first time kboxing last night was erm. interesting. belting out emo songs is strangely therapeutic. i'm too tired now to think of the "what-if"s and to second-guess and mind read.

2009-04-03T15:22:00.002+08:00

突然间感到很开心。
虽然还没完全放开，但我已学会接受。remember reading somewhere that letting go is not denying, but accepting. i am learning to accept, so i guess that's the first step to letting go.

受到gek的影响，莫名其妙地喜欢上用华语来打字。(：haha i suddenly feel so primary-school like again. because of many things that make me (: i think i should record them down one by one so i have a list of happy-fying things to look back on whenever i feel emo again in future!

happy again

2009-04-03T14:16:00.003+08:00

i think i feel happy again. yesterday helped a lot. spent most of the day out with other people, and becos i was too tired to cook (and so were the dinner ppl), we ended up eating out and them walking me home. (: haha so i was literally out with other ppl all the way till i reached home. that dose of happiness was enough to cure my emo for the week i think. still felt smiley and high today.

after this, i want to be happy and to learn to love like i've never been hurt before.

enough emo-ing for awhile. i hope i stay as (: as i currently am (or even better, more (: ) for a really long time. i really thank God for giving me just what i needed, though.

i don't know what the future holds, but at least now, i've learned to let go of the past, as well as the present, and just see where the road will lead me.

学会放弃

2009-04-02T06:48:00.004+08:00

也许颓废也是另一种美。
也许学会放弃也是另一种快乐。

现在的我，真的有些伤感。前两晚还哭了。

everyday is a new day. and i guess it's okay to emo, as long as i don't make it a habit.
today is a new day. (:

itunes, stop picking on me toooo

2009-04-01T18:14:00.005+08:00

haha iTunes seriously needs to stop playing all the songs that seem to echo how i'm feeling.

i am feeling dead tired and extremely sleepy now X( ...
perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. perhaps tomorrow will be a brand new day. i need to stop mulling over emo thoughts. and stop being so ): over things i have no control over. i'm quite touched by the things ppl around me have said though. i know they mean well, and i know they care. but somehow when i'm around ppl, i keep telling them i'm fine and then i actually feel fine, but once i reach home, it's like. argh i feel terrible. x_x

haha don't think i'm being coherent or making much sense. cos i'm too sleepy to think.

i have full confidence that once i get over this, things will be fine

i miss home so much.

2009-03-31T20:09:00.004+08:00

it has been a long and tiring night. but now i know for sure. there is no more hope in this. just confirmed it, and i don't want to let this drag on and if that is God's will, i will accept it as my place.

perhaps this is just a new lesson God is trying to teach me. to accept my place no matter how difficult it may seem, and to learn that i should have trusted Him more than my own heart. damn why did i even let my heart take over my head.

should have listened to my voice of reason. gek gek gek i miss youu ): i wish you were here to help me feel better. i wish you could be here for me to hug while i cry it out. i wish you were here to help me find my feet again. in short, i miss you.

曖昧

2009-03-29T06:54:00.004+08:00

is it wrong to feel happy for the wrong reasons? it's so difficult being in the stage where i'm trying to get a grip on myself. and suffering from the internal conflict that is raging within. what exactly am i supposed to feel? i don't know where the boundaries are anymore. and i may have myself to blame for that. but... ): ): ): i miss my bolster and my stuffed toys especially squishy the white flying squirrel. they used to make everything feel better so quickly.

in any case, i think my whining may be putting people off. need to restrain and refrain. and stop listening to songs that seem to be saying everything i want to say. haha why are some people so brilliant with words. i stare at the lyrics and i'm like speechless. cos they sum up everything i am feeling, and phrase it in such a poetic and beautiful way.

sighhhhhh the heart has reasons that reasons don't know. i need to stop wishing for more and just be happy with what i'm getting now. and trust that if it's fated, it will happen. and if not, then i guess what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

2009-02-13T23:11:00.002+08:00

昨日のコンサートへ行ってよかった。とても感動した。そして、泣きました。there were stories about her life that she shared, that really struck a chord within my own heart. seriously, i was like blinking back tears during some of the songs.

perhaps this is, after all coming back to the basis of what love really is. God is love, and His love is the most precious of all. I'm guilty of forgetting this a lot of the time. I take shaky, unstable steps, but I know He's steady and unchanging, and i guess that's enough for me.

anyway. i'm deeply frustrated now. like URGHHHHH. what am i supposed to do or say? i really don't know how to put this across but srsly. ARGHHHHHHHH. why does this have to be so hard?! i think working with people is fundamentally a problem in itself. i just feel so anguished. ARGH.

2009-02-10T23:57:00.002+08:00

hey, mr curiosity, is it true what they've been saying about you

are you killing me

you took care of the cat already

and for those who think it's heavy

is it the truth, or is it only gossip

call it mystery or anything

just as long as you'd call me

i sent the message on did you get it when I left it

see this catastrophic event

it wasn't meant to mean no harm

but to think there's nothing wrong is a problem

i'm looking for love this time

sounding hopeful but it's making me cry

love is a mystery

mr curious...

come back to me

mr-waiting-ever-patient can't you see

that I'm the same the way you left me

in a hurry to spell check me

and I'm underlined already in envy green and pencil red

and I've forgotten what you've said

will you stop working for the dead and return

mr curious well I need some inspiration

it's my birthday and I cannot find no cause for celebration

the scenario is grave but I'll be braver when you save me

from this situation laden with hearsay

i'm looking for love this time

sounding hopeful but it's making me cry

and love is a mystery

mr Curiosity

be mr please-do-come-and-find-me, oh

Find, find me, find me

I'm looking for love this time

sounding hopeful but it's making me cry

trying not to ask why cos love is a mystery

mr curiosity be mr please-do-come-and-find-me

love is blinding when the timing's never right

oh who am I to beg for difference

finding love in just an instant

well I dont mind, at least I've tried

and I tried, I tried...

- Jason Mraz (Mr Curiosity)

i just wish i wouldn't feel so miserable listening to this song. i'm tired emotionally and mentally. i wish people would stop being so judgmental. i wish i would stop being judgmental (on others, as well as myself). i wonder why people can't just love. there always has to be an excuse. i wonder if friendships are really as firm as they make it out to be. i haven't been angsty for really long, i hope the moodiness doesn't last.

chinese new year :)

2009-01-27T00:25:00.004+08:00

chinese new year this year has been really fun. my cousins' kids are so cute. haha i can't believe i'm an aunt. but seriously, little kids do the cutest things ever ♥

in other news, my brother has converted the basement into some sort of miniature arcade of his own. it comes complete with the guitar hero world tour set with guitars, mike and drum set, as well as racing-car chairs with gears and steering wheels and foot pedals. o.O i had fun making a fool of myself playing the drum set for guitar hero. hehehe i know i suck at it but w/e it was a lot of fun :)

2008-12-23T22:13:00.004+08:00

without intending to, i think i made people worry over me. 皆、ごめんね。でもあたしはほんとうに大丈夫だから、しんぱいしないでね。

i want to learn to live like there is no tomorrow. without any hesitations, any regrets, or any self-doubts. i need to learn to stop letting other people dictate my life. i need to learn to say no (in every sense of the word). i also want to learn to be less dependent on other people. my happiness should not have to depend on another individual. also, i shouldn't have to be afraid to stand up against another for what i believe in. i think i'm being ambitious. but that's what i hope to acheive someday.

on another random note, it was completely heart-warming to hear him say "tadaima" and hear so many say "okaeri" in return. i think the reason why my heart goes out to him so much is because in real life, people rarely ever get second chances. i'm really really grateful that he got his second chance. and to see him climb back up is really gratifying. i was tearing up so much when i heard him say "tadaima". he's been through so much and seeing him triumph through all those obstacles is really really so heart-warming. this is what i really want to say to him:

ｘｘくんへ (i won't name names because srsly, this won't really be any concern of yours unless you already know who i'm referring to. and if so, i wouldn't need to name names.)、
<3 おかえり！本当にがんばったなー。お疲れ様でした！！これからもがんばってください！いつまでも、君の事を応援するね。

my exam results were better than i expected too. :) i got As on average and only 1 B+. i guess the sleep sacrificed was worth it. to God i give the glory. it was His strength that carried me through when i felt like giving up.

abnormality

2008-12-01T17:43:00.002+08:00

i can live with the fact that things are not what they appear to be. i can live with the fact that everything is not what everyone else views it to be. but what i cannot live with, is that i'm expected to overlook this abnormality and just go on living life as though everything is okay.

i'm sorry, but i am not okay. there's just been too much of this going on this year that i sometimes want to scream at the absurdity of it all.

that said, i think i'll get over it eventually, at my own pace. i'm full of contradictions. i don't expect others to understand. i sometimes want to be left alone, and sometimes i feel needy and wish someone else would understand what i'm going through. perhaps i'm just confused and don't know what it is that i myself want.

i think i'm chasing after the wrong things and it scares me.

i'm really worried for my family. i'm really worried about my grades. i should be studying. last paper is tomorrow. and what am i doing? i am blasting music (with headphones) so that i don't have to hear what they are shouting about. and i'm blogging. and surfing the net. sigh.

f a i t h // h o p e // l o v e

calendar girl

you are my shooting star

home sweet home :)

i trust in the ever changing climate of the heart

Hosanna in the highest

let be, let be

happiness

this is my adieu.

something inside this heart has died

Stars feel like knives, they tell us why we're fighting

Psalm 23

please please please work out.

i am emo... NOT

look up

once more, with feeling

on this day, i'm kept alive by love alone

tiring week x___x

homesick

bring it on (:

back in adelaide

so much to do and so little time

does the pain weigh out the pride?

TADAIMA~

home soon! and thoughts on HJNTIY

hana yori dango

freedom finally! (:

1 more paper!

can't hold on forever, babe

before the moment is lost..

staying positive

Maybe this is it.

Birthday post!!

thankyou God for the ppl around me

dreams and the fear of losing things.

家族

我不想再猜下去

i miss jingru ):

self-discipline

what the hell is wrong with me

也许幸福在梦的另一端，无法存活在真实的空间

jason mraz <3 and other things that make me miss my brother

總有一天 我的謎底會解開

fun overload

HOLIDAYS <3

あきらめたいけど、なんか難しい

feeling (: once more (ii)

feeling (: once more

happy again

学会放弃

itunes, stop picking on me toooo

曖昧

chinese new year :)

abnormality

總有一天我的謎底會解開