Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Something that Janene brought up over ice cream on Sunday. Knowing that He died to set us free, why do we still choose to sin? I had, and still have no answer. I fall short so many, many times, and can never understand why He'd be able to look at the depths of my heart and still love me.
That said, what then, is love? Is selective loving still love then? When the pastor mentioned this on Sunday, I was pretty speechless. Because of what was written in 1 John 2:10-11. ("Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.") I think we create too many grey areas for ourselves, finding excuses to love conditionally. Some people we find easier to love. Others, we give ourselves excuses not to love. We cling to past hurts, betrayals, petty issues and the such.
So then it goes: You hurt me, so I hurt you back. When will this cycle ever end? Why do we let ourselves get hurt so easily, and why do we hurt others so carelessly?
My cousin's husband recently left her. Just one year into the marriage, he left her. The same guy who said he'd be with her through sickness and in health, for better or for worse. Why do people say such promises and not mean them? I think the worse part is that he left her to fight her breast cancer alone; leaving her for a younger woman. Why? And now, she's fighting self esteem issues, because she's convinced he left her due to her chemo and her mastectomy. The same guy who used to treat me to movies and meals when I visited them. The same guy who used to tell her she made the world shine a little brighter. If words don't mean anything, then why bother speaking them? When I heard about this, I was pretty affected.
This was never meant to be shared publicly, but I suppose the people who still regularly check this blog should have the right to know why I've been a little anti-social and moody over the past week. It's just that in such a unstable world, I don't know what to think, and what to believe in.
But the fact remains, that His commandment is to love unconditionally. Without asking to be loved in return.
I guess all I can do at this stage, is to let God do the loving. And just trust that even if all else fails, He still loves me. I pray He'll help me to find the courage to take leaps of faith, and love everyone around me. I pray that when I fall short, His power will be made perfect in my weaknesses, and that I will find it in me to love the ones around me; even those who've hurt me unintentionally (or worse, intentionally). If my anti-social behavior (on MSN, in person, over e-mails, over skype and phone calls) has hurt you, I really apologize. I guess I just needed time alone. But after having spent the whole weekend holed up in my room, I feel kind of conflicted. Like I shouldn't hole myself up for too long, but that I still need some time alone. Holing myself up is bad i suppose. i end up not eating. But that's normal i think. When i'm unhappy, i just don't think of food. No appetite.
Thanks mannshing for making me laugh so much today. thanks jingru for understanding my need to be anti-social, and for not judging me when i tell you about my anti-socialness. thanks toy, for feeding me when i went to your house yesterday (haha confession.. I hadn't eaten much the whole weekend). and thanks shinloong for walking around in the cold with me after school.
I miss my brother. though he tries in the wrong ways to try and get my mind off heavy issues. Like hello, horror movie trailers?! I live alone leh. If I get scared and cannot fall asleep, how?!
Alright. Just felt I needed to get that off my chest. Now, it's back to studying.
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at |7:28 PM|
