Tuesday, June 30, 2009

[edit]二兎を追う者は一兎をも得ず ... :/ [/edit]

freedom finally... (:

time to start putting my life together again. time to start doing all the chores i've been postponing and refusing to do during the exam periods.

today, this is what i did:

• send yx, char, sl, and kat off at the airport. ): will miss them muchly. and ahhh made me want to fly back more haha.
• did my laundry finally! and (: the smell of the clothes fresh out of the dryer is very mood lifting (:
• reduced many messy stacks of papers into one neat stack
• did groceries (finally! no more eating junk food)
• decorated my room! more to come when i print out pictures and photos next time.

see how pretty my bedroom wall looks now: (more stuff to be added on)

oh. and i finally started watching hana yori dango. ><

road trip tmr! :) and freedom! for the next 4 weeks :D

mable blogged
at |5:12 PM|

Sunday, June 28, 2009

argh i am extremely restless at the thought of exams being finally over tmr!

and omg i need to start keeping track of who is on my fb friends list. like my JC civics tutor omg.

as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:09 PM)
mei bao
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:17 PM)
you'll be back next week right?
mable // says: (11:34:17 PM)
heyyyyy! haha no one's called me that for really long! :D
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:22 PM)
7th?
mable // says: (11:34:25 PM)
7th july yup
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:27 PM)
YAY
mable // says: (11:34:36 PM)
we should meet up!!
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:36 PM)
so happy and cant wait!
mable // says: (11:34:39 PM)
me too!
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:45 PM)
yupp definitely
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:50 PM)
haha me you sichen jianliang
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:34:56 PM)
its a DATE! haha
mable // says: (11:34:57 PM)
yes yes :D i can't wait!
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:35:08 PM)
we can be a four wheel vehicle
as brooklyn blurs below says: (11:37:37 PM)
haha met mdm lee recently and she says you look very pretty in your pictures

and at this point, compliments aside, i was like "....... wait what?! she's seen my pictures? when! where! how! what?!!!! o____O "
and chengg goes on to remind me, "yes! she added most of us on fb remember?"
me: ...... right. now i remember.

mable blogged
at |10:09 PM|

Thursday, June 25, 2009

i just might have screwed up today's exam :/ but no. i refuse to blog about it.

there's just 1 paper left and then the semester will be officially over! what a strange thought.

anyway today's been a kind of strange day. not in an unpleasant way. but strange nonetheless. skyping for hours with my bro was really quite the highlight. said bye to dad when he left for work, and continued talking to my brother, and then when dad came back for dinner and realized we were still skyping (and in the same conversation since he left), his expression was quite priceless.

and amidst the many msn and skype conversations from this afternoon, a particular one stood out the most. my reply: not today; but someday i will.

and indeed, someday i will. but everything is made perfect in His timing. I previously asked for a sign, and a sign He did give. So I'm wondering, if this is the right decision, why am I still so hesitant (to the extent that it feels like I'm doubting Him)? Maybe because the decision involves waiting. And we all get tired of waiting. It's like the feeling of being left behind and forgotten. But but but good things come to those who wait. So for now, I will stop over thinking so much and just be happy. (:

dessert at sugar bowl was yummy. a nice change from the heavy stuff we've been having at cocolat the past couple of times. but sadly, we are not fated to eat a chocolate bean ): it was CLOSED by the time we reached.

i seriously don't feel like studying already ): haha can't wait for exams to end :) lots of fun things to do. and presents to buy before flying back.

oh and dear room, i promise to clean, tidy, scrub, vacuum, pack, and make you all spick and span once exams are over. in the mean time, please bear with me as i live in the midst of my mess and forgive me for making you so messy and disgustingly dirty.

mable blogged
at |10:55 PM|

Monday, June 22, 2009

before the moment is lost, i just wanted to say: thankyou youxin, shinloong and toy for yesterday. love all of you lots.

mable blogged
at |9:44 AM|

Sunday, June 21, 2009

don't cry

don't be sad

it’s not the end.

it’s not over yet.

it’s never over,

because you havent given up.

it’s not time to give up,

cos theres still room for improvement.

theres always room for improvement.

mable blogged
at |8:33 AM|

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I chanced upon this poem again, and sadly, relate to it alot more than i used to. i forgot what the ides of march signified (and having been a member of 315'04, there's no excuse for me to!) and had to google it :( ... memories, both the good and bad. they all play such important roles in my life. but try as i might, i can't hold on to every single moment in my life.

Forgetfulness - Billy Collins

The name of the author is the first to go
followed obediently by the title, the plot,
the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel
which suddenly becomes one you have never read,
never even heard of,

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

there's something hauntingly sad about reading words that strike a certain chord in your heart. or maybe it's just the effects of coffee on a cold and lonely winter's night, and looking at stacks and stacks of textbooks and notes i ought to be digesting and studying.

ok. enough rambling. exams start on the 20th. and end on the 29th. need to pick up the pace..

mable blogged
at |11:04 PM|

Thursday, June 11, 2009

alright. i have my answer. obvious enough i should think.

いままで、本当にうれしかった。いろいろなことをおしえてくれて、いつもあわせてくれて、本当にありがとう。

gek, msn please if you're online. yanjin too, if you're there.

oh and i'm going to be my sister's maid of honor. the wedding's been settled next yr december (to accommodate my schedule :) ), but they're ROM-ing this yr. i love you お姉ちゃん and wish you a lifetime of happiness.

mable blogged
at |7:04 PM|

Maybe this is it. Maybe this is goodbye as we know it. Maybe this is God's answer to all my doubts. Time to let go; time to say goodbye; time to learn how to fly away; time to learn how to stop chasing foolishly after futile things.

Enough hiding from the world; enough hiding from everyone around me. Enough rest and now I'm recharged. time to face the world again (: time to smile and face the new day.

The problem came about I suppose, when I started chasing after what I wanted instead of seeking what He wanted. And now looking back, I can see just how foolish that was. The things I did, and how easily I put myself out there. But this is it. The turning point where my mind's been set, no turning back.

I love you mummy and daddy for everything, and especially for what you've said in the past 2 days. I know I'll always have a place I belong back home. Can't wait to see you guys again. Literally started tearing over our skype conversation.

Bye bye moody days. Bye bye unhappy thoughts. Bye bye unnecessary emotional baggages. They're all going out the door.

As for the final dilemma, I'll give myself one last night to think about it. And when tomorrow comes, I'll make my choice.

That's all for now.

mable blogged
at |5:37 PM|

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Something that Janene brought up over ice cream on Sunday. Knowing that He died to set us free, why do we still choose to sin? I had, and still have no answer. I fall short so many, many times, and can never understand why He'd be able to look at the depths of my heart and still love me.

That said, what then, is love? Is selective loving still love then? When the pastor mentioned this on Sunday, I was pretty speechless. Because of what was written in 1 John 2:10-11. ("Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.") I think we create too many grey areas for ourselves, finding excuses to love conditionally. Some people we find easier to love. Others, we give ourselves excuses not to love. We cling to past hurts, betrayals, petty issues and the such.

So then it goes: You hurt me, so I hurt you back. When will this cycle ever end? Why do we let ourselves get hurt so easily, and why do we hurt others so carelessly?

My cousin's husband recently left her. Just one year into the marriage, he left her. The same guy who said he'd be with her through sickness and in health, for better or for worse. Why do people say such promises and not mean them? I think the worse part is that he left her to fight her breast cancer alone; leaving her for a younger woman. Why? And now, she's fighting self esteem issues, because she's convinced he left her due to her chemo and her mastectomy. The same guy who used to treat me to movies and meals when I visited them. The same guy who used to tell her she made the world shine a little brighter. If words don't mean anything, then why bother speaking them? When I heard about this, I was pretty affected.

This was never meant to be shared publicly, but I suppose the people who still regularly check this blog should have the right to know why I've been a little anti-social and moody over the past week. It's just that in such a unstable world, I don't know what to think, and what to believe in.

But the fact remains, that His commandment is to love unconditionally. Without asking to be loved in return.

I guess all I can do at this stage, is to let God do the loving. And just trust that even if all else fails, He still loves me. I pray He'll help me to find the courage to take leaps of faith, and love everyone around me. I pray that when I fall short, His power will be made perfect in my weaknesses, and that I will find it in me to love the ones around me; even those who've hurt me unintentionally (or worse, intentionally). If my anti-social behavior (on MSN, in person, over e-mails, over skype and phone calls) has hurt you, I really apologize. I guess I just needed time alone. But after having spent the whole weekend holed up in my room, I feel kind of conflicted. Like I shouldn't hole myself up for too long, but that I still need some time alone. Holing myself up is bad i suppose. i end up not eating. But that's normal i think. When i'm unhappy, i just don't think of food. No appetite.

Thanks mannshing for making me laugh so much today. thanks jingru for understanding my need to be anti-social, and for not judging me when i tell you about my anti-socialness. thanks toy, for feeding me when i went to your house yesterday (haha confession.. I hadn't eaten much the whole weekend). and thanks shinloong for walking around in the cold with me after school.

I miss my brother. though he tries in the wrong ways to try and get my mind off heavy issues. Like hello, horror movie trailers?! I live alone leh. If I get scared and cannot fall asleep, how?!

Alright. Just felt I needed to get that off my chest. Now, it's back to studying.

mable blogged
at |7:28 PM|

今以上を欲しがる僕は世間しらずなガキですか？
求めるよりも与えろと諭すのですか？
君に胸張ってこの想い届けられる日はく来るかな？

でも...その笑顔まだ見てたいから言葉呑み込む...

ahhhh what am i getting myself into ):

personal note to self: stop stop stop stop stop before it's too late. oh and while i'm at it, i should stop giving in to myself too.

mable blogged
at |6:24 PM|

Sunday, June 07, 2009

had a lot i wanted to say but can't quite seem to find the words to express them.

feeling a little starved for company after having been anti-social and holing myself up in my room for the whole weekend (apart from church this morning and ice cream outing this afternoon). but oh well, i'll survive.

the stars tonight are quite breath-taking. perhaps staring out at them in the cold on the common balcony was a good thing. helps set things in perspective. (though the people indoors playing pool must have thought me quite crazy to be sitting out in the cold staring out at the night sky all by myself).

oh and i should probably lay off the timtams. they're giving me a sore throat haha.

and to a dear friend who's found happiness, congrats (: happiness is in your hands now, please hang on tight and not let go.

okay. shall end off here and wait for the right words to find me before i post my next entry.

mable blogged
at |7:21 PM|

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

it's officially winter.

and today, i missed gek and for some reason, was thinking of her. and then when i went to check her blog after reaching home, saw that she'd recommended a song for me to listen to in the latest entry, and strangely, the lyrics were exactly what i needed to hear today. (: this must be telepathy <3 ... i miss having our telepathic moments haha. i also miss having mink around because she's the only person i've ever unleashed my split-personality-5-year-old-self on. so my 5 year old self is dying to burst out haha. mink, be warned. in july, you'll be babysitting my 5 year old self every time i see you. i miss being the three of us together.

but anyway. today was a very comfortable day. it was packed and long (as my wednesdays usually are), but the pace was very comfortable somehow. and doing slight recap of cbl case, dinner, and tv watching (which i haven't done for ages) at toy's house was strangely therapeutic. it's a strange thought though, that we're changing cbl groups next sem. ): ):

haha i shall sleep early again tonight (it just turned 12.30!!) because my brother is nagging at me to go sleep again. and ironically, the tv show i watched today was about sleep-related disorders.

think i've been very unresponsive and grumpy the past few days (because of the cold, cramps, and tiredness and some unhappy events).. but that's no excuse i suppose. but things are looking up now, i'm trying to be more optimistic, can you tell? :)

人混みに紛れても同じ空見てるのに
風に吹かれて似たように凍えるのに

mable blogged
at |10:09 PM|