Sunday, May 31, 2009

i'm exhausted X( and with no valid reason too, because everyone else has been studying a lot harder than i have.
everyone overslept today. so derrick ended up going to aacc with me, michelle only woke up after service was over, and luckily i was being fetched. or i'd never have gotten up early enough to make it on time.

reading her blog makes me very ): because she writes about all the heartache-ish stuff so bluntly and frankly.
i think sometimes the reason we feel anti-social, or at least try to close ourselves up, is because we are scared of becoming clingy. or dependent on the ones around us. if things start to matter a lot, and we didn't matter as much to them as they did to us, it'd hurt too much. but there can be no fear in perfect love, this i know, and i also know that love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrong-doings... love always protects, always hopes, always perseveres, and never fails.

and yes i have no excuse, but i'm really tired. and the cold weather is making me a little blue. was shivering the whole walk home from church. and that was with 3 layers of clothes.

oh i found the perfect birthday card for my dad anyway. it's so beautiful, and the design is just so perfect. and i bought it right away (even though his birthday isn't till about a month later).

alright. enough procrastinating. bye bye blog.

mable blogged
at |10:53 AM|

Thursday, May 28, 2009

it was freezing today. and because i find comfort in finding song lyrics that mirror what i feel (because it makes me feel like at least i'm not the only one who feels this way), these are the relevant verses which stood out to me anyway.

どれくらいの値打ちがあるだろう？
僕が今生きてるこの世界に
すべてが無意味だって思える
ちょっと疲れてるのかなあ

...

決して捕まえることの出来ない
花火のような光だとしたって
もう一回　もう一回
もう一回　もう一回
僕はこの手を伸ばしたい

誰も皆　悲しみを抱いてる
だけど素敵な明日を願っている
臆病風に吹かれて 波風がたった世界を
どれだけ愛することができるだろう？

考えすぎで言葉に詰まる
自分の不器用さが嫌い
でも妙に器用に立ち振舞う
自分はそれ以上に嫌い

...

滞らないように　揺れて流れて
透き通ってく水のような心であれたら

- excerpts from HANABI // Mr.Children

and once again, i can't believe it took me so long to turn back to His word for the answers:
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." - 1 John 4 :18-19

i loved. was that enough?

and hahaha even my younger brother is trying to scold me for sleeping late :/

sms from him: why are you always still online when i'm going offline? isn't it a lot later there on your side?
to which, i replied: ... (: you know me the best. and since when did you start dishing out admonishments like an elder sibling?

mm. weekends are almost here.

mable blogged
at |7:55 PM|

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

finallyyyyy wed is over. and i survived (: despite having a blocked nose and having bio tut + cbl + clinical skills back to back with no breaks in between. and through many episodes of blurness on my part, phew. the day is over.

haha tiredd. and the fire alarm went off again. ): this time it was someone on my floor. :/ then i went and had a really nice chat with jingru (: she's like family haha. still have lots to say, but that can wait. (: weekends! we can have a proper catch up session.

i'm having strange cravings for hokkien mee and rice dumplings. :/

okay. and to end off...
あたしは君の全てなど知ってはいないだろう
それでも一億人から君を見つけたよ (:

proper update when i'm feeling less sleepy. runny nose medicine makes me super drowsy x__x

oh and i'm looking forward to saturday (: dinner + baking + piano all in one day! (:

mable blogged
at |7:07 PM|

Monday, May 25, 2009

see lah. this is called 自找麻烦。好端端的，干吗去听这种 emo song. oh well. but it hasn't affected me to the point where i'm emo-ing. just that it rekindled some memories and made me have a good think.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

oh well. anyway i should stop getting distracted by fb and blogging. sigh sigh. still didn't have much to say for cbl today. and i should go prepare for resource. finally finished my clin skills guidelines though. and hmm. if all goes well, will be making jelly hearts this weekend. (: <3 inspired by you, yanjin! haha and to satisfy sl & derrick, fineeee i'll make the normal cheesecake too.

haha i think i just used up a lot of my phone credits talking to my brother (see lah, all your fault. why couldn't you just turn on the computer and log onto skype). :X hope the remaining credits last me through the month. but talking to him is worth it (: (: july is coming soon! (: watch out my dear brother, soon we'll be back to our usual letting you own me at every game console you own, playing badminton in the garden, playing guitar hero together, listening to you try and teach me the difference between different car models (and it always goes in one ear and comes out the other haha :X ), and late night cooking suppers together when the rest of the family is fast asleep. <3 <3 <3 haha you're no longer a little boy (that i'll admit), but forever, i'll still have a protective streak when it comes to you.

mable blogged
at |8:37 PM|

Sunday, May 24, 2009

finally, some happier updates.

baked cheesecake yesterday. (: brings back many happy memories. especially of the one when gek, mink and i baked in gek's kitchen and enlisted the help of gek's brother. [haha best fwen, more baking sessions in july please <3 ] haha this time round, i was pretty much estimating the amount needed for everything. :S very risky haha. but it turned out ok (: and then toy cooked really amazing chicken rice. so dinner turned out to be really happy-fying. (:

spent most of today sleeping though (because i fell sick again ><)... i didn't even go for church sigh. daddy said it must be becos i wasn't eating properly. and though my dad doesn't express much regarding feelings stuff, when he spoke to me, it just really made me feel better. and then even though it was awkward after our last conversation, i spoke to mum. and though family arguments really make me feel very ): i think this one just might be coming to an end.

looks like the coming week is going to be another long and tiring week. but oh well. i'm looking forward to july! lots of things planned. i'm beginning to wonder if i can finish everything i want to do within those 3 weeks lol.

oh and on another random but happy note, charles just might come visit IF he manages to get to present (his PhD thingy??) in an education conference in adelaide! when i saw the facebook message i was like !!! haha charles will forever be my favorite teacher. He made me fall in love with physics when i was in sec 4. which brings back yet more happy memories of when i was sec 4. (:

thanks to everyone who was especially nice and understanding this week when i was emo-ing.

fever + headache's gone now. so it's back to tackling cbl issues for now. urgh.

mable blogged
at |8:56 PM|

Thursday, May 21, 2009

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." - Psalm 118:24

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:33-34

算了吧。还是同样的想法。只能說…下輩子吧。
有时真的搞不懂自己在做什么。不知为什么还是那么傻，飞蛾扑火般地把自己卷入那么复杂的情景。

but. enough of that. enough of people saying what they don't mean; enough of people betraying your trust; enough of having expectations of people and then being disappointed when they fall short. because after all, we're all just human. i'm pretty sure i fall short most of the time too.

and because i think that for one who's found happiness, you should know better than to mess around with the private stuff i tell you and then just go spilling them out to other people without first asking me. shouldn't you have understood from my point of view? and then for the other one, shouldn't you feel happy for the one who's found happiness instead of finding fault with her choices all the time? and in the mean time, stop trying to force happiness on the other one, who's now still trying to find her place in the world, and just trust that happiness can only be found when she finds it with her own heart.

i didn't like it today, when he laughed at something i was taking very seriously. but then again, that's just me being oversensitive.

oh but you know what? i should stop lagging in my studies. and push aside feelings for the time being.

mable blogged
at |6:37 PM|

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

ちょっと誰にも話せない悩みの種があるのです。今、負けそうで泣きそうで消えてしまいそうなあたしは誰の言葉を信じ歩けばいいの?　ひとつしかないこの胸が何度もばらばらに割れて苦しい中で今を生きている。

i can sense a storm brewing. looked back at my posts from aug 16-19 2008 and am now really terrified of history repeating itself. much apologies to jr and sl for being so glum during dinner today. i know it's not good to bottle up, but when everyone else around me seems so stressed by their own worries, i don't want to go dumping my emotional burdens on them. thanks jr for being so comforting though. your hugs make me feel very warm and loved.

Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The LORD God [a] is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer’s feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills.

- Habakkuk 3:17-19

mable blogged
at |8:13 PM|

Monday, May 18, 2009

Obligatory birthday post, though I don’t think I’ve been doing it faithfully every year. But hey, this has been a year of many new experiences and lessons learnt, so I thought I might as well make an entry to take note of all these things, and hopefully they’ll help me learn and grow.

The past year has definitely been one full of changes, good and bad. For one, this is the first ever birthday spent away from home, strange as it might seem. Also, we (gek, mingsee and I) didn’t get to do our tradition of celebrating each other’s birthdays. But I guess change isn’t necessarily bad. This has been one of the most exciting birthdays I’ve ever had. (: and I’m really happy to have been able to have a spectacular (double) celebration with a bunch of really awesome people I’ve come to know. I guess God was really teaching me to simply let go, and follow Him at the pace He’s set.

One of the most important things I’ve learned, is that first impressions are (almost) never accurate. I am a highly anti-social person with regards to people I meet for the first few times, and I guess I tend be overly paranoid. But amazingly, I’ve learned to get to know people for who they are. And yes, amazingly, some of the people whom I had really strange first impressions of, have turned out to be some of the nicest people I’ve known. And it’s safe to say that these same people make my world so much brighter now. (: I am a very troublesome person and to the special few people who always 迁就 me, thanks very much for always giving in to me and tolerating my nonsense. No matter how many times I say this, it’ll never be enough. I really do appreciate everything from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you so much to everyone for the birthday wishes, on facebook, via SMS, on MSN, and (other many means). To the bunch of special close ones back home in Singapore: Gek [best fwen!!], Mingsee (ok you’re technically in UK now but you belong in this category), yanjin, hamsie/wz!!, szemin, you guys are really loved. Thanks for being a really special bunch of people who have always been there for me whenever I needed an extra push or helping hand. It’s been such a blessing to have had you guys in my life for the past 5-7 years and counting!! Love lots and miss you guys so much.

And in no particular order: Jingru, Shinloong, Toy, Mannshing, Dave, Youxin, Charleen, Janene, Kat, Wanxian, Derrick, Wayne, Michelle, Fiona. Thanks so much for the really really special birthday surprise. I was really surprised. But hey! I didn’t wish anyone happy birthday back! :D Improvement haha. I’m really glad to have gotten to know each and every one of you. You will all receive individual notes when I get down to writing them. (: All of you are muchly loved and I really appreciate all the effort that went into the planning. It was a really brilliant plan and trick because I really believed that the Sunday celebration was the actual one. And then today even though there were quite a few loopholes, I didn’t suspect a thing. Haha maybe I am really too blur. :b But in any case, thanks for everything. I’m still feeling high.

Last 15 minutes left of my birthday. I guess I really thank my parents for shaping me into who I am today (: and haha I’m no longer a teen. Twenty. It feels strange thinking about it. But oh well. Here’s to the year ahead of me! (: Surely good things lie ahead of me.

And finally, thank you Lord for bringing me through every circumstance to where I am right now.
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful, I know that full well." – Psalm 139:14

mable blogged
at |10:25 PM|

Thursday, May 14, 2009

今以上を欲しがるあたしは違いますか？求めるよりも与えろと諭すのですか？
then again, not over-thinking is the best philosophy when such things are involved. i miss having my older sister giving me advice / sharing her views on life. What's meant to be will eventually be, and what's not meant to be will never be even if forced. So. Oh well.

i'll be so glad when tmr is over. it's been such a long week... but little things happened that made me quite (: despite it being packed and long and tiring.
but anyway nice stuff came for me in the mail today (:

i had a strange urge to play X Japan ballads (in particular "endless rain") on the piano today. but no piano. nvm maybe that's a good thing. X Japan songs are too emo.

haha oh! and there was yet another fire evacuation again. :/ when i was sleeping. and so not dressed for the cold outside. was very grumpy, so thanks for answering the phone to listen to me complain (: haha i was half asleep and cold, and whiny. not a good combination, so thanks for bearing with my complaining. i'm really guilty for making people tolerate such nonsense. for an anti-social person, it's strange how much i rely on the people around me. and perhaps it's the fear of being so dependent on others that makes me want to be anti-social. haha talked to _________ about this before i think, though we never did finish the conversation. it's a terrible paradox. it's like the idealist and the realist in me can't come to a compromise. the sad thing is, i think only people who have been hurt before think this way. i envy my brother. he's so trusting and open, and generally very sociable. which is good.

sighhh. still have to prepare for my case presentation.

mable blogged
at |10:50 PM|

Monday, May 11, 2009

woke up with a swollen right eye this morning and it seriously looked like a black eye for awhile. called my dad who was half asleep (probably cos it was 5.30am in singapore) and (probably sleep talking) suggested that i might have punched myself in my sleep. hahaha. but ok the swelling's gone down and i've already consulted my dad (when he was more awake lol). nothing serious i suppose.

still feeling ): which means my appetite's gone away again. when i'm ): i find that i have no mood to eat and i simply don't think of food.

but i'm really thankful for the people around me, who've really helped. there are probably a lot more ppl i should be thankful for, but these are the ones that primarily helped me pull through today. 

1. Dave, for sharing Psalm 121 just when i was feeling that i might have been reaching my limit. but yes, God's word is a light in the darkness.  

mable blogged
at |11:36 PM|

Sunday, May 10, 2009

first mother's day away from home and not being able to be there physically by my mum's side. but oh well. at least there's skype... ♥ love you mummy.

the little kids were so cute at church anyway. haha. service was really interesting today. gave me lots to think about.

but... i'm now feeling very very very very very stressed ):
bio makes me want to cry.

why am i still blogging? ):

[edit] 考えすぎで言葉に詰まる
自分の不器用さが嫌い
でも妙に器用に立ち振舞う
自分はそれ以上に嫌い

sigh. 真的好累。[/edit]

[edit again] because i need to say this. 誰かが助けて！ ): [/edit]

mable blogged
at |4:11 PM|

Saturday, May 09, 2009

mental whiplash. not funny. some confidante. i complained about it to jingru, and now she's being very !!! and excited while i'm just feeling :/ haha sigh. why so complicated? i whine.

anyway this is so not studying. it's more like having great amounts of information washing over me. i am not absorbing ):

mm. in other news, i am going to have my surprise mother's day skype convo with mummy (and my brother and sister and daddy). soon. when the 2 of them manage to successfully sneak the cake into the house. *waiting*... haha. quite sad ): this is the first time the three of us couldn't collaborate to celebrate mother's day properly. and it's probably going to be this way for quite awhile from now on. but anyways. hurry up and bring the present home!! i want to skype (: (:

oh! how timely! :) *goes off to skype*

mable blogged
at |12:43 PM|

Friday, May 08, 2009

I think that's what it's like with all our dreams and our nightmares... we've got to keep feeding them for them to stay alive.
- A Beautiful Mind

i am tiredddd. ): and sleepy. ): and sleep deprived. ):

but anyway. yusuke proposed! and will be doing an official one in front of mum and daddy in june! haha my sister must be over the moon. i was so excited when i saw the sms (:

ok i need a better method for keeping myself awake.

incoherence: evidence of decreasing brain activity. i am sleepy. no wait. i typed that already.

ARGH. ok nvm.

mable blogged
at |10:24 PM|

Thursday, May 07, 2009

滞らないように　揺れて流れて
透き通ってく水のような心であれたら

あたし、疲れてるのかな。

mable blogged
at |8:34 AM|

Monday, May 04, 2009

Dear God,

I talked to You today. I talk to You everyday.
I talked to You on my knees,
I talked to You as I walked to school,
I talked to You when I noticed that cute guy,
I talked to You while I waited for the bus.

And there's no answer. Why is there no answer?

Please reply.

Love, mable


-----


Dear mable,

I listened to you today. I listen to you everyday.
Why won't you listen to me?

I love you.

I sent you the sunrise this morning, I sent you the roses in your neighbour's garden on the way to your bus stop.
I knew that rainbow would lift your spirits in an otherwise gloomy day, but please understand that others need the rain to survive.

You don't know how much I love you.

I held you when you gave your heart away to someone who wasn't meant for you.
I've been watching over you every single time you threaten to trust foolishly and groundlessly.

Do you know that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate you from My love that is in My Son?

I'm your Father darling, I know where to lead you.
Will you trust Me?

I'll always be waiting for you.

Love, God

mable blogged
at |12:02 AM|

Sunday, May 03, 2009

my goodness. i was so shocked when at 1.10am, derrick called my handphone. i was kind of wondering if he'd called the wrong number but in the end it was regarding psych. haha. ok la. attribution theory. we covered that in the social psych module. which was fun (: then i went and collected laundry. the smell of clothes fresh out of the dryer makes me (: (: and went to discuss more psych with derrick over msn. his psych assignment seems so interesting. haha i'm so glad for gek. if not for her, i probably wouldn't have studied 1 and a half sems of psych in nus. and though i guess it wasn't God's plan for me to finish my undergrad degree in psych, i really really enjoyed that one and a half semesters. In hindsight, I guess He was preparing me for where I am now, just that I didn't see it then. studying at nus was very comfortable for me. i had good friends in almost every module i took; campus was near daddy's clinic and not too far from home... it somehow felt like i was pretty much in a safe comfort zone where everyone and everything i wanted was just within reach. it was the life i'd come to accept. but i guess God had a different plan for me. which is why i am where i am right now. everything has a purpose. the people we meet, the choices we make, the situations God places us in.

anyway just a random thought. i think our dreams reveal a great deal about what matter to us. like how they always say the language we dream in is the language we feel most comfortable in. and though i am no expert in dream analysis (Freud, you leave me baffled half the time), sl told me about this really strange dream of his. i shall not bother trying to interpret it. but yes anyway. i was reminded of how in the drama [1 litre of tears], there was this particular scene that made me ): where Aya was telling Haruto that up till that point in time, in her dreams she was still able to walk and run and talk normally, but she realized she'd finally come to accept her condition because finally, in her dreams, she was the way she was: in a wheelchair, unable to move and articulate her speech... and then Haruto, said his ultimate sweet speech about how even though he probably couldn't be of any use to her, he wanted to be someone she could come to rely on because in spite of everything, he still loved her.

i think we only come to realize how much things matter to us when we begin to fear losing them.

i am sleepy. it's 2.15 am already ): shall go to sleep. zzz.

mable blogged
at |12:18 AM|

Friday, May 01, 2009

my sister flew off to Japan today, happy and loved (: she'll be back after the long weekend, but i'm sure it'll be good for her to meet his family and spend time together with him in person. i think it's amazing how she found yuusuke because they're just so perfect together. and he's really going to be such a wonderful brother-in-law. and speaking of happy couples, galvin's getting married! and looking happy to be a groom. (: i'm really happy for him.

anyway for the first time ever, i felt (slightly) hyper in cbl! and spoke up a great deal more than i usually would. haha caffeine is a wonderful drug (: haha and wq, you're a wonderful cbl classmate! but yup yup i have lots of info to cover over the weekends. and i still need to wrap up stuff for anaemia.

and best fwen! glad you received the sms. if you read this in time, don't stress! i'm sure you'll do fine... don't bother bout the presentation kay? focus on your remaining papers (: <3 <3 haha and i saw your blog entry dedicated to me and doofie. haha i miss you both ♥

skype convo with parents + brother was really good (: my brother is growing up! and i'm not there to be a part of it! ): haha i can't believe he's so happening. in school till 11 pm almost every day. too many ccas, i say. but well, his grades are better than mine used to be (even with his crazy schedule) :X so i won't bother saying much, other than the fact that i miss him so much. ♥

okies. shall sleep now in attempt to fix my sleep cycle.

mable blogged
at |11:43 PM|