Saturday, February 25, 2006
haha i slept in till 9.30am this morning and felt really good when i woke up! (: but nooo guess how i woke up. both my legs started cramping. like really really BAD cramps. so i woke up from the pain. owwwwww. and my dad said the best way to get rid of leg cramps is to straighten your legs so the muscles can tense then relax. or something like that. so i tried straightening both legs but owwwwww they hurt so bad i was stuck between trying to straighten my legs and trying not to. and finally after fifteen agonizing minutes, my cramps went away but my left calf muscles are still aching. booo. i haven't had leg cramps for years. =(
haha i think JC life is alot more stressful than secondary school life. cos of the lecture tutorial system in which you have to do alot of work on your own. and the past week has been a killer week. i've been sleeping late almost every night. but yea i'm happy where i am and that's all that matters (: of course i'm still searching for some form of direction. but oh wells. i'm content with what i have now :b
haha things i want to do over this weekend would include completing econs homework, mugging for physics and math tests, and haha ok watching at least 2 of the 6 VCD/DVD sets that ppl have lent me. oh maaaan. they've been on my table since i dont know when. but thankyou everyone for lending me the stuff. i will start watching some of them tonite!
mable blogged
at |3:22 PM|
Friday, February 24, 2006
but ahhh omg im dead tired. dont really know if it was such a good idea to decide to play for alumni. cos i havent touched a clarinet for ages. and ahhh my tone sucks alot now. and ewww i didnt get to see Aurora (my old clarinet) today! ): whichever junior is hogging her, you better be taking good care of her OR ELSE. haha nahh im talking crap. but ewww the instrument i got today was really in quite sad shape. it kept leaking and getting choked like every 20 bars i played -_-
noo but ahh i keep complaining that im not living life on the edge. and that i dont get enough adrenaline rush! (: so yea! i must try and push myself to the extreme (: so yea i must try my best to hang in there (: besides, playing with jas guo is so fun (: hahaha anw im so amused. i debated over whether to wear the rj uniform so soon or not. and i dont like being the first to start doing things. but yea what the heck. someone (in class) will have to start eventually so why not go ahead (:
If you lose a moment
You might lose a lot
So... why not
Why not take a crazy chance
You always dress in yellow
When you want to dress in gold
Instead of listening to your heart
You do just what you're toldhahaha i dont like this song. i just like that verse alot (:
and oh no im getting very incoherent. cos im falliiiing alseeeeeep. zzz.
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at |11:17 PM|
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
blogging everyday is a bad habit. i just feel tempted to blog before doing any work. =( which is bad.
but haha today was a much better day for me than yesterday. even though i felt equally (or more) zonked out and sleepy. no more PMS (: yay. no more mood swings! yay (: no more moodiness until next month, that is. strangely though, my sleepy spell has disappeared. i bet it's the chocolates (maltesers)! chocs make me highhh~ haha. but eww they are alot sweeter than i remembered. =( i'd much rather go for bitter sweet chocolates sigh.
anyway i like wednessdays (: cos i get to see gek (and minky) alot. (: haha i spent the free time after school in the library listening to music and doodling in gek's pretty notebook cos there was no cell today. haha and grrr i swear the libriarian just has something against me ): ): ): almost every time i go there, she tells me off for something. -_- and eeeee she's supposed to be a very nice libriarian. whyyyyy. =(
lol i think i'm beginning to like school alot. (: and even though some things annoy me quite a fair bit, school is still enjoyable i think. (: but argh i dont like having so much work to do at once. and eee no fun. i cant even play on the piano to destress cos i have gross long nails now ): noooo i want to play schubert G flat impromptu!!!! :(
sigh sigh. bio tutorial + essay. dont stress!
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at |8:05 PM|
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
today was a bad day. ok maybe it wasn't the worst it could get, but yes. still a bad day. i realised how stupid i've been. -__- gor links my blog. so uh, alot of ppl actually have had access to read what i've been typing. oh well. so now i know, this place isn't as private as i thought it was.
but yea anyway, to cut a long story short, i should expect less of people and people should expect less of me. that way, people stop hurting me and i stop hurting people. cos it's true anyway. nobody's perfect. so ppl should stop expecting me to be. but well, you acheived what you wanted. you made me feel invisible and insignificant today. congratulations.
ok maybe i'm just being moody cos i'm PMS-ing. but seriously, i feel a lack of direction in my life. life is as boring as it can get. i haven't done ANYTHING risky for ages it seems. i miss climbing onto the rg roof. i miss climbing up to that weird platform behind the stage. i miss doing all these dangerous things.
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
...
To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel aliveok maybe i should stop listening to avril lavigne. she makes me angsty haha. on days like these, i should stop thinking so much and turn back to God.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm. Father you are king over the flood, I will be still and know you are God.
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at |6:05 PM|
Monday, February 20, 2006
arghh. this is not a gd way to start the week =( i deleted my to-do-list cos i decided it didnt help after all. haha im such a confused person ^^;;
but yes anw i was so tireddddd and during bio (last lesson , 4-5pm) i was practically falling asleep. oh man oh man. but yea. the best part was during my journey home when the bus reached the bus-stop. I was so sleepy i forgot my wallet and handphone and file was on my lap. and i just stood up and everything crashed to the floor. -_- so embarassing. the bus driver must have got a shock cos uh, there was quite a loud crash. and then luckily ppl helped me pick up my stuff. ahhh this is terrible. my poor phone =(
haha anw there are lots of cool places in school that ppl usually dont take notice of. i'm beginning to love school more and more (: but aiyah!!! they banned poker cards so we can't play bridge anymore!!! :( *whines*. haha but oh well. got so bored i wanted to go explore the school today.
anyway my brother is doing war poetry for lit. so niiiice. war poetry makes me cryyy. ok nvm i shan't go into that. or i just might end up getting all emo again. ok i shld really stop blogging now. i know i know. it's a very bad habit. but yes. bad habits are hard to kick. yikes. my homework is SCREAMING at me to go do them. but NOOO i dont want. =(
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at |9:33 PM|
Sunday, February 19, 2006
yes it's confirmed. it's dead and won't come back to life. It doesn't even want to be charged lah. ): *sobs* my poor zen micro. sigh. and i don't think i'll be getting a replacement anytime soon because the only 2 mp3 players im considering now are really expensive. like um ipod video and zen vision m. both of which are at least $500. hahaha nuts. i didnt even get half as much money from red packets this year. ):
oh and guess what. Alicia's (yes that's my guitar) string snapped. while my daddy was trying to play "yesterday" and sing along. then the string suddenly snapped. and my mum and my sis shrieked. while i went like "ARGH! ALICIA!" and everyone stared at me. haha my bro was like "Alicia?! who's alicia?!" haha so sad. but nvm. only gek, yarnmeen and minky will understand. (: cos Alicia has a grandpa joe, a mommy called eleanor and a daddy called damien. Luckily my daddy knows how to re-string guitars haha. my daddy rox. (: seriously, my dad is the only person in the family (other than me lah) who thinks it's fun to go on roller coasters. so every time we go to theme parks like Sunway-lagoon or like DisneyLand and even Lotte-World, only the 2 of us will be like super enthu and head for the roller coasters. haha :D He's such a coool dad. (: and he's like super genius too. i wonder what happened to all his smart genes. gahh i feel stupid compared to him.
and anyway i really shouldn't be blogging. i should be making gd use of my time and STUDYING. ): gargh. i shld really stop blogging everyday. =/ it's like a bad habit or something. ok ok. dont freak. (: i can do this. yea!
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at |3:06 PM|
Saturday, February 18, 2006
things would be a whole lot easier if i could just die. then i'd simply disappear off the face of this world. or if i had like a save button or reset button in life. or simply a freeze button so i could freeze time. let that one second come to a standstill. so i can just sit there and reflect and think about my options. so i stop screwing up. haha talking to jon goh is damn funny. he says when we grow up we shld invent that (the save/reset/freeze button) cos we'll definitely win nobel prize. and i said that first we must make sure we have a patent rule so noone can copy our ingenious idea. XD and then we can have like joint venture and retire and live off the earnings. hahaha. i like talking crap within philosophical stuff.
anw i'm quite glad about this year. cos i managed to get back in touch with so many ppl i lost contact with for the past few years. like jon goh for one. haha. and of course there's gor. (: and yea! it's been really fun once i got over the culture shock (coming from a girl's school and all that). cos i realise the guys in my class are really very nice people.
sigh. had a nightmare last nite. that someone wanted to shoot me with a gun. =/ then i wanted to scream but i was too scared to. and just as the person pulled the trigger, a flock of about like 50 birds flew by and started moulting feathers o__o;; like really ALOT of feathers. the sky started raining really pretty feathers... and then i woke up cos my alarm clock rang. oh dear. actually it's still quite freaky. i think all the emotional stress is finally getting on to me. >< but yea it helps ALOT that he's really so patient and sweet and reassuring. and yea, i really feel very amazed that he notices my moodiness. very sweet of him. heh. actually sweet is an understatement. (: cos he's so much more than that. it's something i just can't put into words.
anw i was listening to "prodigal" by "casting crowns". it's a damn nice song. really reminded me of God's faithfulness. and how much he loves me. I just have to remember to turn back to him.
Living on my own, thinking for myself
Castles in sand, temporary wealth
Walls are falling down, storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes, here I am again
And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand
Daddy, here I am again, will you take me back tonight
I went and made the world my friend, and it left me high and dry
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end?
Daddy, here I am
Here I am againGod is such a loving father. and yea. i know that i've been told this many many times but i tend to forget it every time i get stressed or get self-esteem issues. I'm a princess, cos my Daddy is the king of kings <3.
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at |6:27 PM|
Monday, February 13, 2006
haha today is one day before V day and also Gek's birthday :) hehe hope you had a great birthday darling and have a great 17th year! <333
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at |7:49 PM|
Saturday, February 11, 2006
dearest sis weizhen,
happy belated birthday. will pass you ur present on monday. it's your bro's idea. haha i think it's really cute too. :D and so does he! (that's why he suggested it lol!) it's great being your sis lol.
anyway, im glad you're feeling better gor! must smile ok! cos yea! gor rocks lol!
haha. dieeeee. i dont want to have a crush anymore. gor thinks there's hope, i feel quite pessimistic about it.
haha ok nvm. im such a sad confused person. but yea i'm hyper! and happy! and i wont let stuff like that affect my general happiness. ok. HAPPYY :D
mable blogged
at |11:18 PM|
Friday, February 10, 2006
today has been a very emotionally tiring day. first came the tense anxiety (and i almost puked out of nervousness). then came the slight disappointment. and then after that faded away, came the huge heart-felt worry and anxiety for all my non-rg friends (including gor and other ri guys). and then i smsed most of them. and whee! chenggong got gd grades!! so she can stayyy.. really happy (: but yea some ppl didnt check their phones and DIDNT REPLY ME :( made me so worried.
and GOR! :( pls dont be upset already k... you know that both your sisters care about you right.. and no matter what grade you got, you're still a WONDERFUL gor and that's all that matter to us. if you dont wanna talk about it, it's ok. but just remember and bear in mind that you're a GREAT brother to me and I really hope you feel better soon ok? smile! (: cos my gor rocks! (:
[edit]i hope my phone call helped though. .__. it's scary and i feel so helpess cos all i could say was that I thought you did fine and that i hoped you would feel better. and i really feel very worried. really hope you'll feel better soon yea? [/edit] haha anyway i was planning to make chocs for my class for V day when i realised i have no idea how chocs are made. so i decided to bake them chocolate brownies instead. whee. baking is fun (:
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at |7:57 PM|
Thursday, February 09, 2006
eeee. im scared he knows. cos if he does... well it's quite weird isn't it. but i wouldnt be happy if he didnt know either. cos that wld mean no more hope for this whole issue. ): and that all the time he asked, he was just trying to be a friend. awww.
haha ok nvm nvm. i find myself smiling to myself alot these days. thinking alot about those tiny moments that make my heart almost skip beats... thinking about all the times i could have said something but chose not to. haha i should really stop smiling to myself so much.. ppl might think im a lunatic o___o
yes ok that aside. i think cell yesterday helped alot! cos i thought i got over that already but i realised i didnt. and yea thanks everyone... it was so sweet of you guys to comfort me and pray for me. heh.
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at |8:30 PM|
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
i'm not feeling well. hope i get better. tmr is a long day. and i have to lug the guitar to school ):
anyway. i keep getting confused by the same issues over and over again. sorry hamsie jie and chuntsen gor for bothering you over the same issues time after time. it's just that you know, when i want to give up, something gd happens. and when i get hopeful, things prove otherwise. so well. ): i dont like this feeling of confusion. it leaves me feeling lost. someone told me to just treasure what i have in front of me. and not try to force anything out of nothing. but that's exactly what i'm doing!!! ): it's just proving to be alot harder than i thought it would be.
and oh wells. sometimes i wonder if it would kill you to offer to help. but nvm i shldn't go into that. not when i'm feeling achy and cramping and feeling down. so yea! shall go finish up bio tutorials which incidentally happens to be due tmr :b haha.
take care and god bless.
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at |9:08 PM|
Monday, February 06, 2006
this morning i saw a rainbow. it was really really beautiful.. and it brought back alot of fond memories of another place, another time, another me. And how i wished time could just stop in that noisy canteen while everyone was busy chatting and making merry (over the cancellation of morning assembly). cos at the point of time, i was lost in another world, living another life. but some day, i will return to that place. some day. i will return there and feel the breeze brush past my face soothingly again. I will smile and walk through the tall grass again. and I will find that part of me i left behind. It's still waiting for me. and perhaps it always will. but for now, it's back to reality... x__x
anyway i must challenge myself not to DO THAT for like at least 1 day. or like my gor says, hug myself for 1 month and in the meantime worry about what I'm gonna get him and my jie for their respective birthdays. lol. and after their birthdays, if i still think I wanna DO THAT, then yea I'll go ahead. but who knows, time will help to erase stuff. maybe after 1 month of hugging myself and worrying about more important things, it'll go away? and besides, this isn't what God wants. This is just what I want. I'm sure Jesus didn't die on the cross just to see me make stupid and selfish decisions. so yes. after one biiig circle, I'm back at the start: maintain the status quo!!! haha I realise this problem has been bothering me alot for like the past few days (week?) and it's taking up too much of my time and attention. so i must learn to let go when I should, even if it's a difficult and painful proccess. cos yea in life, it's inevitable to have to learn to let go so we can hang on to the more important things.
take care everyone.
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at |11:07 PM|
Sunday, February 05, 2006
haha finally, my bad mood is disappearing! I'm starting to feel happy again! :D A big THANKYOU to all those who had to suffer from my incessant whining and moping.. and also to those who tried their very best to send me sweet things or say encouraging things to me. and of course Thanks to my new gor chuntsen who helps me to decipher guy language in random MSN convos. (: you're a big help... Remember to cheer up yourself k?! and of course Hamsie, thanks for all your sweet MSN messages. And thankyou Gek for listening to me in the mornings. heh.
Anyway I watched Fearless with my family last night. it was really really good (although a little violent in the front).. I loved the ending though. it was so awesome and inspiring and touching that i cried quite alot. I love this kind of movie cos it makes you really reflect on your roots and gain a new degree of respect for all those kung-fu martial-arts people.
and heh I'm so tiredd. i finished the chemistry in action research thing already. but still have bio tutorials x__x sighh. think the weeks to come may be even worse. but oh wells. let things come one at a time. (:
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at |5:19 PM|
Friday, February 03, 2006
"...but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..." - American Beauty.i wish people would stop expecting me to be perfect. I'm not, ok? And I guess sometimes I need time to sink into my own solitude and reflect on everything that's happened. I keep trying to hang on to everything but I realise now, it's useless trying to cling so hard to something that isn't mine, was never mine, and probably will never be mine... but letting go is such a difficult process. and it hurts, even though i know i shouldn't be hanging on to ephemeral dreams.
oh well. i think physics lab sessions don't do me any good. haha at least posef was quite nice to work with i guess. but the data logger experiment was quite annoying. first the basket ball bounced away and the motion sensor couldn't sense its displacement and velocity. then we finally got a pretty pretty graph but it was super difficult to sketch it out lah! why weren't we allowed to just print it out? =( haha oh wells. think the 2 of us were like almost brain-dead after the whole experiment. and yinrui was like an evil dictator telling us what to do :p so cute. Yinrui is super funny to talk to especially after she found out my secret.
And yea I'm tired.. but I'm gonna try my best to let go, before things get too far. before i get myself hurt again. Sometimes I wish you were nicer to me, so I would stop hurting so much. but then I'm afraid of giving away my heart to you.. if you were just a little nicer to me, i'd end up giving my heart away without even knowing I did. and that would just be disastrous.
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at |8:46 PM|
Thursday, February 02, 2006
thanks wz and chuntsen for our highly amusing MSN chat. haha chuntsen you really make me laugh alot. and i thank you for being so amusing and funny whether or not you intended it lol. but yea it helps.. and haha its fun discussing that kind of stuff with the 2 of you. considering the fact that i get very varied responses from either of you. but oh well wz. i need a survival guide or something. and thanks yj for the e-card... it was very sweet and nice surprises help on days like these.
think bad things like to happen all at one go. but yea i'll survive. even if the million zillion pieces are well. a million zillion pieces. >.>;; and yea i'm probably still annoyed at getting pangseh-ed but yea i guess the person probably didnt mean it either. so whatever lah. it's not like its my first time getting this kind of treatment. -_- ppl just like to pangseh me i guess. and argh.
my mum is convinced I'm slacking tonite. but hey i actually finished lots of stuff in advance! and she doesn't believe me! cos the whole of CNY break i kept complaining that i had too much work.. and stayed up till 4 plus to finish them.. >.>;; sigh. i can't wait for weekends. maybe next week will be a better week. MAYBE. I'm counting on it.
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at |9:18 PM|
today, it (my heart) broke and shattered into a million zillion tiny pieces. and nobody even noticed that it did. perhaps that's how insignificant it is to them. oh well. if you cared abit more about me and a little less about you, perhaps you would have noticed.
but nevermind. it doesn't matter to me anymore. i lied. it still hurts me deep inside. And i see it now: there's beauty in the breakdown; beauty in letting go of what was never mine in the first place. I guess some things are just better left untouched. but what happened, has already happened and there's no point wishing it hadn't happened.
oh well. anyway chenggong is so nice (: she walked me to the overheadbridge even though she still had stuff to do in school. and yea she was really patient with me cos i kept flooding her with my incessant whining over stupid things today. and lol gek please come online soon. so i can tell you why it shattered into tiny pieces today. oh and wz! if you're reading this, please come on msn too... or SMS me or something. need to talk to you as well.
and yes i'm annoyed. with many things. i just get very annoyed when people think they know so much about you when they don't. it's annoying when they assume so many things when none of their assumptions are even true. and i also get very annoyed when people pangseh me at the last minute. to you it may be a small thing. but still. i still consider it a form of cheating me of my time and feelings. whatever. i don't know why such trivial things are annoying me so much. guess I'm PMSing.
on a lighter note, my dad is highly amused by the econs song (the hokkien one). more highly amused than me, that's for sure. he made me repeat it twice for him to hear while he laughed through the whole thing o__o;; oh wells. he's bringing the whole family out on saturday nite to watch "fearless" cos it's Jet li's last kungfu movie or something. hmmm. i don't know if it's gonna be nice. but i'm just glad to have more family time together.
oh wells. shall end off here.
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at |5:34 PM|
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
And I'm scared... of offering my heart back to you, only to have you reject it and return it to me. So please stop giving me any more reasons to sink any further. I'm not sure how much longer my heart can take this.
haha anyway chuntsen you're evil! but also very nice at the same time lol :D but aiyah feel honoured ok. i didn't share that secret with many ppl. so you must NOT spill the beans ok! but heh i trust you lah. so dont betray me ah.
ok that aside, today was quite a weird day. i felt sick and puky since 10am. and it lasted all the way till after dinner. and arghh i think staying up till 4 am to finish my work (for 2 consecutive days and waking up at 8am) doesn't work out for me. maybe that's why i felt so tired and sick today? and i got back my losing streak in bridge. =( i didn't even feel like playing bridge to begin with. but sigh.. the usual ppl convinced me to play with them. and i dunno. after losing continuously, doesn't the game get a little boring? i got quite depressed after awhile but they wouldn't let me leave.... >__< so i ended up losing every game. except one, in which they tried to humour me so i wouldn't leave them stranded with one player short. sigh. oh and chenggong finally realised how much she missed out when she pangseh us for class outing lol. hehehe she was so shocked and cute when i told her some of the stuff we (some of the girls) shared. hahaha. think the econs tutor got a little annoyed cos of our not-so-soft-whispering. but oh well :b
ooh and for dinner i went to meet smint (: which was teh fun. hahah. we talked and talked and talked and it was lotsa fun cos i really never get to meet her except maybe once a wk when we run into each other on the corridors. =( sigh. but yea tonight was fun. i miss you szemin.
and yes now im gonna do my chem homework. byes.
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at |9:19 PM|
